Yep, I’m one of those wives who has been married for several years and still hasn’t fortunate enough to feel the miracle of giving life and birth to the ‘wonder’ children.
It’s a lie if I don’t get jealous and anxious anytime I hear my friends gave birth and see their precious babies. When will the time becomes mine?
I googled and googled, asked here and there, check up to this and that specialists, promise my self to be more active and committed to be healthier, wishing til I come to the point of ignoring all the screaming inside.
Many times I hear the anger voice over “Thanks to your unhealthy way of life Anggia! You ruin yourself!” or the jealousy, “Why can’t it be easy for me like all those other women?” or the depressive, “I’m not gonna be any younger now! Shit..shit..shit, does it mean I’ll never gonna have a child?? Nooo!” sob, or the judgmental, “Well look at yourself! You’re still smoking! What do you expect??” or the fortune-teller, “I don’t think it would be possible for you to have babies, given the condition of you and your husband are still on your way to be financially stable.” or the ‘play-it-wise’ “Relax now, when it’s time then it’s time. Now juuusstt..breaaattheeee..”
Blah! When it’s about different voice tunes in my head, I heard zillions!
Til I finally decided to just LET IT GO.
Here by all means, Let all the voices inside my head go, let whatever I feel and wanted to do just go. When I feel like this ‘super-strict-healthy-vegan’, I just do. Or anytime I feel like piling my blood with full fats, do. I feel like all fitness babe craze? Muai thai works!. All and all, go ahead!
It’s interesting just to watch how I can evolve from one emotions to the next. One minute I’m ignorant, and the next I got anxious so easily. Yep, I understand exactly now what a mood swing is.
I’m learning to enjoy all the bad complaints I heard in my head, and thanking the beautiful wise soothing words I could came up with. It’s fun to know I’m able to just do my own self-interventions.
Even on those gloomy days, when my tears flows down, all I want to do is just to embrace myself more.
And once again it is proven how God loves me unconditionally. He definitely wants me to take a good care of myself and having fun with everything that I can still do for now.
He wants me to look further, open my eyes bigger, and getting all those decent feelings of sobriety I’ve lost many years before. He just lovingly shows me that I’m on my way.
I’m on my way to love myself more and more, on my way healthier, on my way to be more responsible, on my way to grow steadier.
And who knows, maybe after I’m succeeded in taking a full responsibility to myself, then I could take part in passing that on to another human being who grows from my belly.
What I know now is that God is smiling at me and said,
“Smile Anggia, it will be prettier, just in time.. 🙂 “