“Curiosity killed the cat”
Me : Hell yeah, but I just NEED to know ALL!
My Own Crazy Little World
I’m a total newbie in this giant blogging world for a start. I’m still learning how to be creative for my blog’s appearance, and I reckon I’m like a century behind! LOL
But that’s not gonna make me stop. The reason I’m starting to make a blog and write on ‘em is cos I indeed need a place to speak my lungs out, share what I feel , to know what I’m thinking at the time, and perhaps if I’m lucky then I’m gonna have new friends or feedback that I could grow together with. Or else heck, I’m gonna keep writing anyways, so I’ll know how far I’ve been, how dead or alive I was in traveling the journey of my life.
And about my life..what about ‘em? Well, I’d like to keep thinking that it’s normal like everybody else’s. Yep, I did experience those dark moments like child abuse and a few sexual harassment as I grow up. Those was the giant turbulence of my life, specially later after I noticed I’m such a sensitive person. I got caught up in several suicide attempts just to get out, thought that it would be an easy escape for me to end the darkness in my head. I resented life for a long time, and literally was a walking zombie for years.
I fell in love many times, well.. I thought I was, til I finally woke up several mornings just to realize I screw that up with some other guys. Different boyfriends, same affairs. I just can’t believe how painful the word love is, and how demanding it is..just to find out how demanding I was actually. One thing for sure, I don’t know what love means, and I’m still digging to get a grip on it. I despise love as much as I wanted it for too long.
So much for a ride with the devil.
I consume myself again and again in the traffic of addictions. Non-stop, drowning myself with drugs and alcohol and anti-depressant pills, just to forget. All those heartaches, irrational expectations, boredom, ridiculed, then bumped to be the coldest stone of heart. Yep, even my ex-es called me heartless.
Well, when you mixed the longing for love with drugs, it went brutal.
I got frustrated many times, scared of my own reflection and how I loathe myself, thinking how such a loser I was, cos I thought I just can’t stop the craze since I keep wanting more..
But the thing is, I was too good at pretending. I blend too nice with the happy mask I wore. Nobody could see me hurt, I won’t let them. I was too afraid to look weak so I keep the happy mask til I got completely worn out, got rotten inside. ” If that’s the price I should pay, then eat me dead!” that’s what I thought back then..
And as for me, I push myself to the extreme. Was tempted in that spinning maze of addictions for 11 years before I decided to stop. Days passed by, and I just stood still, that long. Turbulence after turbulence made me numb. I thrown myself to the edge.
Then somehow “when you’re at the rock bottom, the only way left is up”. So here I am, climbing up.
I still search and search for God’s will, zooming in and out for my life purpose. I can still see myself crushes, but then slowly I learn to get up again, and again, and again.
Trust me, I learn it the hard way.