Irrational Thinking of the Very Rational Thinker as She Called Herself That #1

At this very moment, I don’t think I like my life, and I don’t like that idea.

I did things that a good wife should do, daily. I’m taking care of my husband, our house, our dog, more than I’m taking care of myself, push hard and do things beyond what I’m capable of doing. And after I’m finished with those ‘intern hassles’, I move on to take care of my mom, my dad and my family, daily. 7 days on every week, with all those same routine.

I know it’s irrational, foolish and unfair, but I don’t have more energy to take care of myself afterwards.

Days after days, expectations through expectations, demands after demands.

Sometimes I wonder, is it too selfish if I’m wanting things for me too?

I can see myself repeating the same pattern, over and over again. I kept neglecting myself for other people or things that I thought ‘more worth it’, more ‘precious’. But will it ever has an end?

As a human being, sometimes I give up. Things could really become frustrating, specially when the people that I most concern about kept seeing the things I do is ‘normal’, so they keep demanding and ‘blaming’ if I, on one of those days, doesn’t do as they want me to do, or be as they want me to be.

Many times I wish I could yell at them, or be like them, and just took things for granted. But then again, I’m not them. Somewhere in between, I do wish I’m better than them. But then, will it becomes the legitimation to be “Okay” to give all out and becomes abundantly havoc just to make the people that I love happy and satisfied? Is it worth it?

Let’s recap now.

I choose not to pick up other people’s inventory and becomes the dramatizing self-pity person that I was.

Things I know about me which is the roots of my ‘doormat’ behavior is my irrational thinking of how ‘unworthy’ I am. I measure all with ‘worth’, from what I assume and think. OK, that’s the big evil in there.

I repeatedly keep pushing my limit cos I’ve been longing for their recognitions, them, the people I love and care about. And since I am so hard to please, it’s really hard to make me satisfied of course. I don’t stop though I’ve heard some compliments and thanks a few times. It even makes me want more. Looks like I’m compelled to be ‘crushed’ so I get their compliments. How destructive, and manipulative.

So how to de-compel me? It’s not an easy task, but I’m sure I’ll find the way out.

First, I can’t make people to continuously complimenting me or to recognize all the ‘good deeds and efforts’ I make for them. It’s a slavery and unreal. Too bad I can see insincerity in people’s tone, gestures or eyes when I see them. Back again, according to my assumption, and my own observations, and my judgements. Yep, I’m THAT judgmental, and distrust. Which makes me insincere too. Why? Cos how could a sincere person see an insincerity when they don’t do them? People tend to judge easier based on their own experience, don’t they? Insincere person could detect insincerity, that’s just the law of the universe.

So, this law of the universe attached to each other. As we too learning about every single mishap in our lives based on our senses, experience, empathy, other people’s stories, movies and all. But what bites the hardest is what we’ve reflected from.

I hate unfaithfulness cos I’d been unfaithful and I’ve seen unfaithfulness as well.  I beg for respect cos people too, beg for my respect. That’s why I do believe, what we don’t like from things or people is actually the reflection of who we are, well at least it’s a little fragment of our characteristics that we don’t like from ourselves. And what sucks is, when we don’t like certain matters, then that’s exactly the things we’re gonna handle the most in the future. Alas! And that’s what I called, “the trap of the universe”.

So, back again to reality and my recent situation. I can see the things that I don’t like from these people I love, and how I’m compelled in it. How to de-compel it?

I shall be me, but who am I? I’ve become so complex since I’ve let myself swim in their demands and expectations. The easy way out? Don’t be what they expect me to be, and just be the me I want to be at the moment.big grin and that is just so simple. We can’t always please everybody, can we?

Second, screw their expectations, cos it will never end, seriously. And that goes the same with mine.

Just listen to my conscious. I know I’m a good person after all. Well at least I want to be good each day, and that willingness is what matters. I’m sure it’s gonna reflect on what I do onwards. So, slouching back every one day or two is not a crime.

Third, stop competing with yourself, hey Anggia. Learn to un-wise every one or two. It doesn’t hurt to be un-perfect. Nobody is anyways.

To be a little care-less on your entire caring days is therapeutic.

It is you who you should love the most anyways, since how could you love others if you don’t know how to love yourself? What do you give if you don’t take something for you to give back?

Problem solved 😀

On Self Meditation

I recently quite into self meditation.. well for the last few months to be exact.

An amazing recovery facilitation taught me at first, and turns out it helps me so far, given the fact that I have to deal with myself and the situations around me everyday.

There I learn that ” nobody else could really help you, except yourself ” and more importantly, we definitely must take care and embrace ourselves first, before we do that for others. Well, those really getting more and more to my sense cos how could you give so much if yourself is ’empty’ ? What to give out then?

I can finally see that if I depend on anyone else to make me happy, somewhere along the way I would be disappointed. Cos relying on anyone else is limited and sometimes, it would not meet our needs. But if I depend on me on that, it would be abundant! Cos I’m the only one who really knows about me, what I want and what I need, any time. I know how to make myself happy 🙂

Then, going back about self meditation, I believe it heals me. At least it gives me the time to let myself relax, shutting my brain (and all the ‘chatty’ inside), focus on the guidance and just breathe deep, in full awareness.

Plus, since I’m preparing myself to be pregnant and kinda in this ‘journey’ to reconnect with myself ‘mind body and soul’, here I share one of my favorite self meditation video from Youtube.

This is part of my daytime routine now, looking up for new positive affirmations or relaxing tunes that would soothe me down throughout the day.

I help me, and that’s what matters 😀

” Give out, then you’ll receive more”

My Word on Pregnancy

Yep, I’m one of those wives who has been married for several years and still hasn’t fortunate enough to feel the miracle of giving life and birth to the ‘wonder’ children.

It’s a lie if I don’t get jealous and anxious anytime I hear my friends gave birth and see their precious babies. When will the time becomes mine?

I googled and googled, asked here and there, check up to this and that specialists, promise my self to be more active and committed to be healthier, wishing til I come to the point of ignoring all the screaming inside.

Many times I hear the anger voice over “Thanks to your unhealthy way of life Anggia! You ruin yourself!” or the jealousy,  “Why can’t it be easy for me like all those other women?” or the depressive, “I’m not gonna be any younger now! Shit..shit..shit, does it mean I’ll never gonna have a child?? Nooo!” sob, or the judgmental, “Well look at yourself! You’re still smoking! What do you expect??” or the fortune-teller, “I don’t think it would be possible for you to have babies, given the condition of you and your husband are still on your way to be financially stable.” or the ‘play-it-wise’ “Relax now, when it’s time then it’s time. Now juuusstt..breaaattheeee..”
Blah! When it’s about different voice tunes in my head, I heard zillions!

Til I finally decided to just LET IT GO.

Here by all means, Let all the voices inside my head go, let whatever I feel and wanted to do just go. When I feel like this ‘super-strict-healthy-vegan’, I just do. Or anytime I feel like piling my blood with full fats, do. I feel like all fitness babe craze? Muai thai works!. All and all, go ahead!

It’s interesting just to watch how I can evolve from one emotions to the next. One minute I’m ignorant, and the next I got anxious so easily. Yep, I understand exactly now what a mood swing is.

I’m learning to enjoy all the bad complaints I heard in my head, and thanking the beautiful wise soothing words I could came up with. It’s fun to know I’m able to just do my own self-interventions.

Even on those gloomy days, when my tears flows down, all I want to do is just to embrace myself more.

And once again it is proven how God loves me unconditionally. He definitely wants me to take a good care of myself and having fun with everything that I can still do for now.

He wants me to look further, open my eyes bigger, and getting all those decent feelings of sobriety I’ve lost many years before. He just lovingly shows me that I’m on my way.

I’m on my way to love myself more and more, on my way healthier, on my way to be more responsible, on my way to grow steadier.

And who knows, maybe after I’m succeeded in taking a full responsibility to myself, then I could take part in passing that on to another human being who grows from my belly.

What I know now is that God is smiling at me and said,

“Smile Anggia, it will be prettier, just in time.. 🙂 “