Re-Creating Myself Never Ends

I can’t believe it’s been a year since I first starting to blog, and means it’s been 2 years since my amazing experience in rehab. Wow to me!

Last Sept 5th was also my birthday, my 33th birthday. Quite an old age for a young girl..LOL. 

I can say now that my life has finally becomes more normal than I thought it could. Life has become more and more beautiful each day. It’s beautiful to see myself to be able to be a real human being, complete with different kinds of emotions and challenges each day, or zero of those on a so-so day, but isn’t wonderful?? The most beautiful gift to be a human being is that we can feel, and think, and do something about it, or not, and just repeat, then think, then really set our actions to deal with it, so the insanity pattern breaks off. 

 I wish I could share every single detail of what the psychiatrists at the recovery facility had taught me. There’s so many useful programs and personal approaches they’ve taught me that helps me get my life back. It indeed takes works, and the work shall never ends. 

One thing, I agree in terms recovery rather than rehab, since it indeed recovers what I don’t want to ‘restored’ back in my life, such as my past time insanity.

Like a quote I heard many times there, “It works if you work it”, and by the quote I read somewhere “Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about CREATING yourself”, which makes perfect sense for me. It’s true, cos it’s indeed tiresome to ‘try finding something out’, while I could always just do it all over again, differently. I know when I’m doing it the right way, the end result would be rewarding, satisfying, and most importantly, brings in the peace within. 

 I know different people chases different things in life, but again, in the end of the day people are looking for the feeling at ease, that we’ve made it, so it makes us happy. 

Happiness, it always comes back to that feeling, isn’t it? It’s what our brain needs, so our body could function better. “Happiness is an inside job“, and for this, I’m going to keep re-creating my own self, my own mind, for peace within. 

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To Trust or Not To Trust My Husband, That Is The BIG Question

Adat #1

Yes I do have a choice whether to trust my husband or not.

Let’s see the impact of each choice now.

If I choose not to trust him, I would :

  1. Be suspicious anytime he went out our door. Whether he’s out for work, or getting the laundry, or buying food. Anywhere. Whenever I cannot see his nose right in front of me, I would feel that he would do something fishy behind my back.
  2. Play detective on him. I would check on his phone, his wallet, his pants, his pockets, his bags or anything that I could check up on to get that ‘evidence’ out, to which I would do secretly since I don’t want him to get clever if he knows.
  3. Investigate him endlessly. Here by means I have to play “good cop bad cop” on him all at once and creating an endless tricky questions, hoping he’ll be trapped to confess, if any.
  4. Make the ‘face’. Every time he walks in I would surely let him know that I am hurt, even without words. I would make him notice that “I know you’re gonna hurt me, hit it already!” by the look of my sour face.
  5. Gather all the broken pieces he made, or if by chance he would break, and be left feeling miserable most of the time.
  6. Be awkward anytime he’s near. Kinda hard to keep up in between the love and hate relationship all the time, isn’t it?
  7. Sink in a hell house. Our house would definitely a horror for us to live in. Yea, how could a cop and a thief living in one roof without trying to get on each others’ neck?

Imagine how HARD that kind of life I have to go through each day if I don’t trust him? So much endless work to do, much isolation, life threatening episodes, no security, no guarantee, and not to mention the rapid growth of my skin wrinkles after so many sobs and pouts I have to make each day. NOT PRETTY.

Ok now, how ‘bout the second option?

If I choose to trust him, then I would :

  1. Believe him. Here by means I believe he would fully aware that this husband and wife bond is not just by the ring on our finger, but more likely by each others’ oath to stay true to each other. It’s the dignity to stay committed no matter what. No one so dignified would screw up that easy, right?
  2. Carefree. Ah, isn’t it beautiful that word is? Care-free. This is what all humans are looking for! To have the freedom not to care!
  3. Live easy. No creating endless questions, or spiraling in suspicions. No homework to do. Who loves homework anyways?
  4. Smile all the time. Of course this happens when you trust someone. Every time you see that person you trust in front of you, the feeling of security and comfort is all you get. Who wouldn’t smile for that?
  5. Feel wonderful. See that glow? Yes, that’s how wonderful the wonderful feeling is! Everything even feels lighter when I feel wonderful.
  6. Be grateful anytime he’s around. Well, I love him, of course it feels great when he’s around.
  7. As if living in heaven. Again, we all know the feeling when we love somebody, right? Guess what, that somebody I love lives with me! I get to meet him everyday! 24/7! Well, it’s heaven indeed.
  8. Have no worry. Am I sure I like to feel worry all the time? When I’m worried my head doesn’t stop chirping it makes me dizzy. When I’m worried it’s hard for me to sleep. When I’m worried my energy is already flushed to even do another useful things. When I’m worried it’s harder to move. When I’m worried I get so mellow as if it’s the end of the world every day. Geez, so much for being worry. NO thanks.
  9. Tone down the unnecessary wrinkles. This is the best part! I can imagine that there’s only those happy wrinkles leaving marks on my skin when I gets old. That’s a real proof of how I had spent my life.

Pheeww..OK, I think I can see clear enough which one to choose now. And if ever my husband broke my trust, then it’ll be HIS LOST anyways. Cos I know, I won’t leave unless I’m ‘forced’ to do so.

Ok my love, I trust you 😉

Irrational Thinking of the Very Rational Thinker as She Called Herself That #1

At this very moment, I don’t think I like my life, and I don’t like that idea.

I did things that a good wife should do, daily. I’m taking care of my husband, our house, our dog, more than I’m taking care of myself, push hard and do things beyond what I’m capable of doing. And after I’m finished with those ‘intern hassles’, I move on to take care of my mom, my dad and my family, daily. 7 days on every week, with all those same routine.

I know it’s irrational, foolish and unfair, but I don’t have more energy to take care of myself afterwards.

Days after days, expectations through expectations, demands after demands.

Sometimes I wonder, is it too selfish if I’m wanting things for me too?

I can see myself repeating the same pattern, over and over again. I kept neglecting myself for other people or things that I thought ‘more worth it’, more ‘precious’. But will it ever has an end?

As a human being, sometimes I give up. Things could really become frustrating, specially when the people that I most concern about kept seeing the things I do is ‘normal’, so they keep demanding and ‘blaming’ if I, on one of those days, doesn’t do as they want me to do, or be as they want me to be.

Many times I wish I could yell at them, or be like them, and just took things for granted. But then again, I’m not them. Somewhere in between, I do wish I’m better than them. But then, will it becomes the legitimation to be “Okay” to give all out and becomes abundantly havoc just to make the people that I love happy and satisfied? Is it worth it?

Let’s recap now.

I choose not to pick up other people’s inventory and becomes the dramatizing self-pity person that I was.

Things I know about me which is the roots of my ‘doormat’ behavior is my irrational thinking of how ‘unworthy’ I am. I measure all with ‘worth’, from what I assume and think. OK, that’s the big evil in there.

I repeatedly keep pushing my limit cos I’ve been longing for their recognitions, them, the people I love and care about. And since I am so hard to please, it’s really hard to make me satisfied of course. I don’t stop though I’ve heard some compliments and thanks a few times. It even makes me want more. Looks like I’m compelled to be ‘crushed’ so I get their compliments. How destructive, and manipulative.

So how to de-compel me? It’s not an easy task, but I’m sure I’ll find the way out.

First, I can’t make people to continuously complimenting me or to recognize all the ‘good deeds and efforts’ I make for them. It’s a slavery and unreal. Too bad I can see insincerity in people’s tone, gestures or eyes when I see them. Back again, according to my assumption, and my own observations, and my judgements. Yep, I’m THAT judgmental, and distrust. Which makes me insincere too. Why? Cos how could a sincere person see an insincerity when they don’t do them? People tend to judge easier based on their own experience, don’t they? Insincere person could detect insincerity, that’s just the law of the universe.

So, this law of the universe attached to each other. As we too learning about every single mishap in our lives based on our senses, experience, empathy, other people’s stories, movies and all. But what bites the hardest is what we’ve reflected from.

I hate unfaithfulness cos I’d been unfaithful and I’ve seen unfaithfulness as well.  I beg for respect cos people too, beg for my respect. That’s why I do believe, what we don’t like from things or people is actually the reflection of who we are, well at least it’s a little fragment of our characteristics that we don’t like from ourselves. And what sucks is, when we don’t like certain matters, then that’s exactly the things we’re gonna handle the most in the future. Alas! And that’s what I called, “the trap of the universe”.

So, back again to reality and my recent situation. I can see the things that I don’t like from these people I love, and how I’m compelled in it. How to de-compel it?

I shall be me, but who am I? I’ve become so complex since I’ve let myself swim in their demands and expectations. The easy way out? Don’t be what they expect me to be, and just be the me I want to be at the moment.big grin and that is just so simple. We can’t always please everybody, can we?

Second, screw their expectations, cos it will never end, seriously. And that goes the same with mine.

Just listen to my conscious. I know I’m a good person after all. Well at least I want to be good each day, and that willingness is what matters. I’m sure it’s gonna reflect on what I do onwards. So, slouching back every one day or two is not a crime.

Third, stop competing with yourself, hey Anggia. Learn to un-wise every one or two. It doesn’t hurt to be un-perfect. Nobody is anyways.

To be a little care-less on your entire caring days is therapeutic.

It is you who you should love the most anyways, since how could you love others if you don’t know how to love yourself? What do you give if you don’t take something for you to give back?

Problem solved 😀