Accepting the Defeat

It’s a lovely day today.

The wind breeze kindly embracing the dim sun shinning light. 

All I hear is just, silence. No echo, no voices, not even my dog barking loud.

I turn up my music, still, no rhytm buzzing through me. I’m a deaf man.

It’s a lovely day to accept defeat.

I’m a sinner, I know I’ve lost. An egocentric caught in a naivette eye of a child, who suddenly wakes up.

I’ve waste my life, for nothing really. As if the war, the ambitions, the glory are just..vague camuflage. 

How I’ve come so far, just to sit back, and sees nothing.

No more questions, not even seeing eye to eye within myself no more. 

I accept, the defeat.


The Pursuit of Happiness

It’s Sunday today. I don’t know why but suddenly this epiphany knocks me out in the head. It’s about the pursuit of happiness. The thing that seems so simple to have but so hard in the process sometimes.

While I’m lounging doing nothing much, just watching my husband preparing me lunch and my cute white furball dog leaning his head on my palm excited to get a pet, a warm feeling blossoming in my chest.
This is perfect. I feel complete.

I know from society’s standard there’s something still missing. The picture would be more aggreeably perfect if we have kids lounging with us too or just messing around playing with their toys, but this is perfect. It is for me. It already is.

The picture I see from my eye sight, of my husband making me lunch, of my cute dog which loves us like we love it, of our small cozy home, of me lounging enjoying the view, and the warm uplifting feelings I get bursting from my chest, is the kind of picture imprinted well in my memory, my treasure, my kinda’ pursuit of happiness.. 🙂

(Throwback Sunday, Dec’14)

Expectation Vs. Hope

Life doesn’t always go as you expected, it won’t.

I know how us human could be devastated just to hear that notion. How could that be?
How could those words makes you feel as if you’re the most pessimist person in the world, that you’re just miserable, the way you see such a life with no hope?

Hmm…this is where I think I got it wrong.

Expectation is not the same with Hope.

Expectation = A strong belief that something will happen or be the case ; A belief that someone will or should achieve something ; One’s prospects of inheritance

Hope = A feeling of desire for a particular thing to happen ; A person or thing that may help or save someone ; Grounds for believing that something good may happen ; A feeling of trust

(taken from Oxford Dictionaries, link : and here :

When I expect something, even for the smallest thing, more likely I will be disappointed. While hope to me is just proposing for something positive, and with a positive conscious. So the end result will definitely be different.

I know I’m somewhere in between those two state of mind. My mind can get ‘tricky’ considering the outcome.

So let me make myself clear. To make a clearer view, I have to note down all the implication, my ‘tree-of-mind’ which will lead to my action and reaction, prejudice or neutral :

For instance, I’m expecting my husband to treat me better.
Since I’m expecting = a belief that someone will or should achieve something (in this case = my husband), based on One’s prospects of inheritance (in this case = me, my point of view) then I’m the one who “predict” or “setting goals of achievements” to which set the values that is acceptable in my qualification list for the word “better”.
Hmm.. then it sounds like I be the “judge” to his value, almost the same like playing God here, don’t you think?

Then how if I say “I hope my husband to treat me better” ?
I hope = A feeling of desire for a particular thing to happen ; A person (my husband) or thing that may help or save someone (me) ; Grounds for believing that something good may happen ; A feeling of trust.
Whether I or my husband be the subject or the object mentioned above, both share the take-and-give notion which sounded more sincere and positive for both sides.

I like the second notion better, so I’ll be more careful in expressing my words and thoughts upon matters.

As a human being, all we can do is try and hope for the better outcome. So if we don’t say it right or set the right mind to it, it might as well be a misleading end result, don’t you think?

Re-Creating Myself Never Ends

I can’t believe it’s been a year since I first starting to blog, and means it’s been 2 years since my amazing experience in rehab. Wow to me!

Last Sept 5th was also my birthday, my 33th birthday. Quite an old age for a young girl..LOL. 

I can say now that my life has finally becomes more normal than I thought it could. Life has become more and more beautiful each day. It’s beautiful to see myself to be able to be a real human being, complete with different kinds of emotions and challenges each day, or zero of those on a so-so day, but isn’t wonderful?? The most beautiful gift to be a human being is that we can feel, and think, and do something about it, or not, and just repeat, then think, then really set our actions to deal with it, so the insanity pattern breaks off. 

 I wish I could share every single detail of what the psychiatrists at the recovery facility had taught me. There’s so many useful programs and personal approaches they’ve taught me that helps me get my life back. It indeed takes works, and the work shall never ends. 

One thing, I agree in terms recovery rather than rehab, since it indeed recovers what I don’t want to ‘restored’ back in my life, such as my past time insanity.

Like a quote I heard many times there, “It works if you work it”, and by the quote I read somewhere “Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about CREATING yourself”, which makes perfect sense for me. It’s true, cos it’s indeed tiresome to ‘try finding something out’, while I could always just do it all over again, differently. I know when I’m doing it the right way, the end result would be rewarding, satisfying, and most importantly, brings in the peace within. 

 I know different people chases different things in life, but again, in the end of the day people are looking for the feeling at ease, that we’ve made it, so it makes us happy. 

Happiness, it always comes back to that feeling, isn’t it? It’s what our brain needs, so our body could function better. “Happiness is an inside job“, and for this, I’m going to keep re-creating my own self, my own mind, for peace within. 

Mind Games

Do you know that the most ‘demonic’ part of your organ is your brain?

As silly to say but to me it is.

When we’re in an un-easy state, do you recognize how many ‘bad statements’ coming out of our brain? Then we’re gonna think that it’s our ‘condition’ at the moment, that it’s our feelings, our state of mind.

Sometimes we get too frustrated that we let these ‘thoughts’ as our ‘guidance’, and we let it play around in our mind, and drag us all the way.

Do you recognize how your moods, your heart beat, your temper, your point of view, your choices, your energy, affected by those thoughts?

When we’re brokenhearted, seems like these mellow songs or quotes are our best companion, that it speaks right through us, and that it really represents our situation, so we’re busy publishing those ‘statement’ on our social media, hoping that somebody out there will gives us sympathy, and that the ‘villain’ would understand and feel bad from it.

Or else for the cynics, the “screw everybody-this is how I feel”, then the songs or quotes with full of anger and hatred are the best yet to publish.

All of those are exactly coming out from our brain. It has the power to affect our preferences and our actions at the moment.

These thoughts, like a voice over, talking over and over, from all different angles but with the same theme, and it just don’t stop talking.

It has a mind of its own, and it definitely would makes us feel even worse. Alluring us to do things that soon will us regret, or if us don’t, then it will makes us feel more sorrow, and more lonely than before, with no real closure.

When we’re sad, do you notice that your pulse goes slower? And when you’re angry, or panicking, or stressed out, or frustrated, then it pumped out so rapidly?

And not to mention our face, ever notice how it loose it ‘sparks’ when we’re sad, no matter how hard we try to cover it with concealer and make up?

That’s all the brain doing. It affected our blood stream, and our metabolism.

How bad. Too bad.

I don’t recall ‘bad’ situations or ‘bad’ people as my enemy. ‘Bad’ situations or ‘bad’ people never actually has any power to hurt me.

It is the brain who lets it. It is the brain who let their actions and conditions to give affects on me. And as it is our own brain, our own part of body, then it’s actually our own responsibility to control it.

So, are you ready to be your own brain’s master?

Be your own master.

You owe it to yourself

To Trust or Not To Trust My Husband, That Is The BIG Question

Adat #1

Yes I do have a choice whether to trust my husband or not.

Let’s see the impact of each choice now.

If I choose not to trust him, I would :

  1. Be suspicious anytime he went out our door. Whether he’s out for work, or getting the laundry, or buying food. Anywhere. Whenever I cannot see his nose right in front of me, I would feel that he would do something fishy behind my back.
  2. Play detective on him. I would check on his phone, his wallet, his pants, his pockets, his bags or anything that I could check up on to get that ‘evidence’ out, to which I would do secretly since I don’t want him to get clever if he knows.
  3. Investigate him endlessly. Here by means I have to play “good cop bad cop” on him all at once and creating an endless tricky questions, hoping he’ll be trapped to confess, if any.
  4. Make the ‘face’. Every time he walks in I would surely let him know that I am hurt, even without words. I would make him notice that “I know you’re gonna hurt me, hit it already!” by the look of my sour face.
  5. Gather all the broken pieces he made, or if by chance he would break, and be left feeling miserable most of the time.
  6. Be awkward anytime he’s near. Kinda hard to keep up in between the love and hate relationship all the time, isn’t it?
  7. Sink in a hell house. Our house would definitely a horror for us to live in. Yea, how could a cop and a thief living in one roof without trying to get on each others’ neck?

Imagine how HARD that kind of life I have to go through each day if I don’t trust him? So much endless work to do, much isolation, life threatening episodes, no security, no guarantee, and not to mention the rapid growth of my skin wrinkles after so many sobs and pouts I have to make each day. NOT PRETTY.

Ok now, how ‘bout the second option?

If I choose to trust him, then I would :

  1. Believe him. Here by means I believe he would fully aware that this husband and wife bond is not just by the ring on our finger, but more likely by each others’ oath to stay true to each other. It’s the dignity to stay committed no matter what. No one so dignified would screw up that easy, right?
  2. Carefree. Ah, isn’t it beautiful that word is? Care-free. This is what all humans are looking for! To have the freedom not to care!
  3. Live easy. No creating endless questions, or spiraling in suspicions. No homework to do. Who loves homework anyways?
  4. Smile all the time. Of course this happens when you trust someone. Every time you see that person you trust in front of you, the feeling of security and comfort is all you get. Who wouldn’t smile for that?
  5. Feel wonderful. See that glow? Yes, that’s how wonderful the wonderful feeling is! Everything even feels lighter when I feel wonderful.
  6. Be grateful anytime he’s around. Well, I love him, of course it feels great when he’s around.
  7. As if living in heaven. Again, we all know the feeling when we love somebody, right? Guess what, that somebody I love lives with me! I get to meet him everyday! 24/7! Well, it’s heaven indeed.
  8. Have no worry. Am I sure I like to feel worry all the time? When I’m worried my head doesn’t stop chirping it makes me dizzy. When I’m worried it’s hard for me to sleep. When I’m worried my energy is already flushed to even do another useful things. When I’m worried it’s harder to move. When I’m worried I get so mellow as if it’s the end of the world every day. Geez, so much for being worry. NO thanks.
  9. Tone down the unnecessary wrinkles. This is the best part! I can imagine that there’s only those happy wrinkles leaving marks on my skin when I gets old. That’s a real proof of how I had spent my life.

Pheeww..OK, I think I can see clear enough which one to choose now. And if ever my husband broke my trust, then it’ll be HIS LOST anyways. Cos I know, I won’t leave unless I’m ‘forced’ to do so.

Ok my love, I trust you 😉