Not Just Another Birthday

I hate birthdays. It reminds me of how older I am again in age, but no so much in person. Specially to this one yet another birthday, I feel even worse. Why should we aged anyway? Supposedly I’ve becoming more to even reach another additional numbers to my years. But I haven’t. A week ago I even lost more. And that’s my beloved dog. My soul, my sanity, my unconditional love, my therapeutic healer, gone forever.

One thing for sure I know to this birthday is that I’ve becoming even bitter. Human fails me, but yet again, I fail me. I even failed my dog.

I failed on my dog since I no longer fight for him, and he knew that. Since we move in to our new home I’ve becoming distant. I confide to this new surrounding, which separate us further, and as life becomes busier I forgot. I forgot that he needs my love, my affection, my touch, my time. All in those 7 months I failed him, abandoning him, that’s why God took him away so suddenly. Cos I don’t deserve him anymore. I only gave him so little while he gave me everything. A foolish, selfish human being that I am.

As with life, by him being gone, I give up. I no longer wanting to pretend to become a better person. Cos I’m not. Not progressing. Life had showed that continuously.

I still have my 2 other dogs and each day I got scared, scared that maybe today, tomorrow, a week later, sooner or on a very unexpected time they’ll be gone too. Because of me too. A failed caretaker.

So what’s with this aging anyway? Birthday? Yep, it’s even sucker than the last time. My husband chose to go to his-not so close-friend’s birthday rather than to celebrate mine. And nobody said a happy birthday to me either. But then again, as my husband said “what to celebrate? you already old anyway..” it’s true. Nobody would care about a person so selfish like I am anyway. I don’t care about anything, anyone, even myself, so why would anyone care?

It’s funny how I thought by being a positive me like I did a few years back would make my life better. It’s not. Well, to the people around me it is, even to my husband. He’s becoming a better a person. A good husband. But not me. I’m still me, a loser. Can’t get rid that off no matter how hard I deny that. Back again, reality proof so. The loser losing her beloved dog. Well, I guess this year, hit strike from my birthday, I’m gonna lose even more. Deep in my heart I know I will, so it’s best for me to be prepared. To lose some more.

Welcoming lose now, with the grief, the slit, the bitterness and the death to my soul. Bye me, this life is not for you.



Labeling Bad Habits

When bad habits are too often played in rewind
We become too accustomed,
We then prone to give it a label

We are certainly sure that this is a broken character, of them certain human beings

When we sense them gonna do the exact same “un-acceptable” thing like always,
We hurriedly thought it’s better to be cautious,
Then we build walls as high to avert pain

We thought it’s only natural,
To build a certain defense mechanism,
For a self protection

But what happens if it turns out differently?
Those who you gave labels at,
Turns out only trying hard to do good,
Though with their limitations,
Not as perfect as you might could,
But it’s the best they could do at the moment.

I’ve been that Judge Dredd myself
Didn’t notice that this defense mechanism I thought only for a self protection, was turning me bitter
A sarcastic with a sharp tongue

I only see from my own perspective
When people don’t respond as I expect them to be,
I became furious, and mean

Whether it’s intentionally or not, I discredit others with intimidation
Thinking how come they can’t do what is easy for me to do,
And that is just plain shallow

Too easy to see ourselves as a victim,
Since life is like a movie, and we supposed to be the leading role
The innocence, who most possibly should face some combat with villains

Til at some point, which is unavoidably, I must watch how I actually IS the villain

So before you think you’re saint enough to point at other people’s face and knock them down with labels,
Have some good look at yourself

And then again, who are you to judge?

Accepting the Defeat

It’s a lovely day today.

The wind breeze kindly embracing the dim sun shinning light. 

All I hear is just, silence. No echo, no voices, not even my dog barking loud.

I turn up my music, still, no rhytm buzzing through me. I’m a deaf man.

It’s a lovely day to accept defeat.

I’m a sinner, I know I’ve lost. An egocentric caught in a naivette eye of a child, who suddenly wakes up.

I’ve waste my life, for nothing really. As if the war, the ambitions, the glory are just..vague camuflage. 

How I’ve come so far, just to sit back, and sees nothing.

No more questions, not even seeing eye to eye within myself no more. 

I accept, the defeat.

The Pursuit of Happiness

It’s Sunday today. I don’t know why but suddenly this epiphany knocks me out in the head. It’s about the pursuit of happiness. The thing that seems so simple to have but so hard in the process sometimes.

While I’m lounging doing nothing much, just watching my husband preparing me lunch and my cute white furball dog leaning his head on my palm excited to get a pet, a warm feeling blossoming in my chest.
This is perfect. I feel complete.

I know from society’s standard there’s something still missing. The picture would be more aggreeably perfect if we have kids lounging with us too or just messing around playing with their toys, but this is perfect. It is for me. It already is.

The picture I see from my eye sight, of my husband making me lunch, of my cute dog which loves us like we love it, of our small cozy home, of me lounging enjoying the view, and the warm uplifting feelings I get bursting from my chest, is the kind of picture imprinted well in my memory, my treasure, my kinda’ pursuit of happiness.. ๐Ÿ™‚

(Throwback Sunday, Dec’14)

Expectation Vs. Hope

Life doesn’t always go as you expected, it won’t.

I know how us human could be devastated just to hear that notion. How could that be?
How could those words makes you feel as if you’re the most pessimist person in the world, that you’re just miserable, the way you see such a life with no hope?

Hmm…this is where I think I got it wrong.

Expectation is not the same with Hope.

Expectation = A strong belief that something will happen or be the case ; A belief that someone will or should achieve something ; Oneโ€™s prospects of inheritance

Hope = A feeling of desire for a particular thing to happen ; A person or thing that may help or save someone ; Grounds for believing that something good may happen ; A feeling of trust

(taken from Oxford Dictionaries, link : and here :

When I expect something, even for the smallest thing, more likely I will be disappointed. While hope to me is just proposing for something positive, and with a positive conscious. So the end result will definitely be different.

I know I’m somewhere in between those two state of mind. My mind can get ‘tricky’ considering the outcome.

So let me make myself clear. To make a clearer view, I have to note down all the implication, my ‘tree-of-mind’ which will lead to my action and reaction, prejudice or neutral :

For instance, I’m expecting my husband to treat me better.
Since I’m expecting = a belief that someone will or shouldย achieve something (in this case = my husband), based onย Oneโ€™s prospects of inheritance (in this case = me, my point of view) then I’m the one who “predict” or “setting goals of achievements” to which set the values that is acceptable in my qualification list for the word “better”.
Hmm.. then it sounds like I be the “judge” to his value, almost the same like playing God here, don’t you think?

Then how if I say “I hope my husband to treat me better” ?
I hope = A feeling of desire for a particular thing to happen ; A person (my husband) or thing that may help or save someone (me) ; Grounds for believing that something good may happen ; A feeling of trust.
Whether I or my husband be the subject or the object mentioned above, both share the take-and-give notion which sounded more sincere and positive for both sides.

I like the second notion better, so I’ll be more careful in expressing my words and thoughts upon matters.

As a human being, all we can do is try and hope for the better outcome. So if we don’t say it right or set the right mind to it, it might as well be a misleading end result, don’t you think?

Re-Creating Myself Never Ends

I can’t believe it’s been a year since I first starting to blog, and means it’s been 2 years since my amazing experience in rehab. Wow to me!

Last Sept 5th was also my birthday, my 33th birthday. Quite an old age for a young girl..LOL. 

I can say now that my life has finally becomes more normal than I thought it could. Life has become more and more beautiful each day. It’s beautiful to see myself to be able to be a real human being, complete with different kinds of emotions and challenges each day, or zero of those on a so-so day, but isn’t wonderful?? The most beautiful gift to be a human being is that we can feel, and think, and do something about it, or not, and just repeat, then think, then really set our actions to deal with it, so the insanity pattern breaks off. 

 I wish I could share every single detail of what the psychiatrists at the recovery facility had taught me. There’s so many useful programs and personal approaches they’ve taught me that helps me get my life back. It indeed takes works, and the work shall never ends. 

One thing, I agree in terms recovery rather than rehab, since it indeed recovers what I don’t want to ‘restored’ back in my life, such as my past time insanity.

Like a quote I heard many times there, “It works if you work it”, and by the quote I read somewhere “Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about CREATING yourself”, which makes perfect sense for me. It’s true, cos it’s indeed tiresome to ‘try finding something out’, while I could always just do it all over again, differently. I know when I’m doing it the right way, the end result would be rewarding, satisfying, and most importantly, brings in the peace within. 

 I know different people chases different things in life, but again, in the end of the day people are looking for the feeling at ease, that we’ve made it, so it makes us happy. 

Happiness, it always comes back to that feeling, isn’t it? It’s what our brain needs, so our body could function better. “Happiness is an inside job“, and for this, I’m going to keep re-creating my own self, my own mind, for peace within.