The Journey In Finding Myself

I bet today is special. Well, to me it is, since I got this “aha!” moment after so long that I thought that I started to decay.

I mean really, I kinda back to losing myself again. I was so busy feeling busy, doing important things un-importantly (but busy busy) since I already feel like it’s just a daily routine which I no longer need to put my brain and thoughts to it anymore. All the waking up doing chores least be social everyday the same thing all over again, to the point I don’t necessary feel like looking up at the time or date or day anymore, since it’s all feel the same kind of stuffs. Anything new or out of ordinary, even social gatherings, with close friends or family, would feel suffocating since I knew it’ll be just temporary til I go back to my same ‘ol routine again, so I better not – if I may choose – moments, and the longing but knowing not being able to go back to the past – so better get myself together and carry on lonesome, but hey that’s life – puffed mindset. But not today.

This day, this hour, I somehow feel rejuvenated. I suddenly know how and why I felt that ultra-bored, how I’ve become so boring, and how boredom had been my thickest friend.

I wasn’t a people’s person back then, I wanted to, but I’m not. I don’t gives a shit about other people cos I, me, don’t even gives a shit about myself. I was a great pretender though, I could imitate anything and anyone, ace that then to even fooling myself thinking it was my character. But it wasn’t. Well, not really, since in one point or two there I was happy, ultra happy, that’s why now I often wanting to jump back to the past experiencing everything back, twice. But this is not why I suddenly feel like to write, this is not my aha moment, though this, about not a people’s person- imitating stuff, will be on my thoughts for next.

The not giving a shit about self is my major problem, and that’s my aha moment. Funny I just figured that one major thing out now that I’ve been alive for 13,054 days (yep I used a calculator, not a genius here, #sorrynotsorry).

I could feel that bored, almost decaying not caring about what’s going on around my life anymore is because my soul – that inner self had died, since I don’t gives a shit that hard to myself. I don’t care with me wanting to feel and look pretty anymore, don’t care whether it’s been too long since the last time I wash my hair (a week max I promise though) or that I in desperate needs to buy new clothes and girls stuffs, or even just go the F use that SPF lotion so my skin don’t burn this much (sigh!), or the thoughts of wanting to eat healthier food permanently (tried once for a few months, didn’t get what I want, so bye) or just as simple as go eat that f-in food your stomach already growl much – stuff.

All those that I thought faarr not important since it’s just little things – get yerself together – I can handle it – no biggies stuff.

Now this aha moment strike hard. I thought I started to go back to zombie mode again, feeling nothing – numbing everything. Almost thought, hey maybe I’m one of those sociopath ? or perhaps more psycho ? Where this heart ran ? How can’t I feel ? Is this sad ? Is this sad, or is it joy I feel cos I think it is but maybe not, I can’t be this melodrama and psycho all at once, no? Am I really laughing, I know my face is and those giggles, but heart, hey where’d you go?

Here’s the thing, I know I hate when other people is making promises they don’t intend to keep. Same goes for you, self. I won’t hurt you that way. We’ve made that oath. So I won’t promise you that I’ll take care of you more. I could only tell you that now I understand, I hear you. I know your needs, to be heard. And when you come back whispering to my ear, I’ll listen, and we’ll do something about it. We’ll talk, and you’ll see me actually doing something about it, for you. Cos you, self, is the most important thing first. If you’re gone, then I’d sure be forever tone deaf.

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Irrational Thinking of the Very Rational Thinker as She Called Herself That #1

At this very moment, I don’t think I like my life, and I don’t like that idea.

I did things that a good wife should do, daily. I’m taking care of my husband, our house, our dog, more than I’m taking care of myself, push hard and do things beyond what I’m capable of doing. And after I’m finished with those ‘intern hassles’, I move on to take care of my mom, my dad and my family, daily. 7 days on every week, with all those same routine.

I know it’s irrational, foolish and unfair, but I don’t have more energy to take care of myself afterwards.

Days after days, expectations through expectations, demands after demands.

Sometimes I wonder, is it too selfish if I’m wanting things for me too?

I can see myself repeating the same pattern, over and over again. I kept neglecting myself for other people or things that I thought ‘more worth it’, more ‘precious’. But will it ever has an end?

As a human being, sometimes I give up. Things could really become frustrating, specially when the people that I most concern about kept seeing the things I do is ‘normal’, so they keep demanding and ‘blaming’ if I, on one of those days, doesn’t do as they want me to do, or be as they want me to be.

Many times I wish I could yell at them, or be like them, and just took things for granted. But then again, I’m not them. Somewhere in between, I do wish I’m better than them. But then, will it becomes the legitimation to be “Okay” to give all out and becomes abundantly havoc just to make the people that I love happy and satisfied? Is it worth it?

Let’s recap now.

I choose not to pick up other people’s inventory and becomes the dramatizing self-pity person that I was.

Things I know about me which is the roots of my ‘doormat’ behavior is my irrational thinking of how ‘unworthy’ I am. I measure all with ‘worth’, from what I assume and think. OK, that’s the big evil in there.

I repeatedly keep pushing my limit cos I’ve been longing for their recognitions, them, the people I love and care about. And since I am so hard to please, it’s really hard to make me satisfied of course. I don’t stop though I’ve heard some compliments and thanks a few times. It even makes me want more. Looks like I’m compelled to be ‘crushed’ so I get their compliments. How destructive, and manipulative.

So how to de-compel me? It’s not an easy task, but I’m sure I’ll find the way out.

First, I can’t make people to continuously complimenting me or to recognize all the ‘good deeds and efforts’ I make for them. It’s a slavery and unreal. Too bad I can see insincerity in people’s tone, gestures or eyes when I see them. Back again, according to my assumption, and my own observations, and my judgements. Yep, I’m THAT judgmental, and distrust. Which makes me insincere too. Why? Cos how could a sincere person see an insincerity when they don’t do them? People tend to judge easier based on their own experience, don’t they? Insincere person could detect insincerity, that’s just the law of the universe.

So, this law of the universe attached to each other. As we too learning about every single mishap in our lives based on our senses, experience, empathy, other people’s stories, movies and all. But what bites the hardest is what we’ve reflected from.

I hate unfaithfulness cos I’d been unfaithful and I’ve seen unfaithfulness as well.  I beg for respect cos people too, beg for my respect. That’s why I do believe, what we don’t like from things or people is actually the reflection of who we are, well at least it’s a little fragment of our characteristics that we don’t like from ourselves. And what sucks is, when we don’t like certain matters, then that’s exactly the things we’re gonna handle the most in the future. Alas! And that’s what I called, “the trap of the universe”.

So, back again to reality and my recent situation. I can see the things that I don’t like from these people I love, and how I’m compelled in it. How to de-compel it?

I shall be me, but who am I? I’ve become so complex since I’ve let myself swim in their demands and expectations. The easy way out? Don’t be what they expect me to be, and just be the me I want to be at the moment.big grin and that is just so simple. We can’t always please everybody, can we?

Second, screw their expectations, cos it will never end, seriously. And that goes the same with mine.

Just listen to my conscious. I know I’m a good person after all. Well at least I want to be good each day, and that willingness is what matters. I’m sure it’s gonna reflect on what I do onwards. So, slouching back every one day or two is not a crime.

Third, stop competing with yourself, hey Anggia. Learn to un-wise every one or two. It doesn’t hurt to be un-perfect. Nobody is anyways.

To be a little care-less on your entire caring days is therapeutic.

It is you who you should love the most anyways, since how could you love others if you don’t know how to love yourself? What do you give if you don’t take something for you to give back?

Problem solved 😀

My Word on Pregnancy

Yep, I’m one of those wives who has been married for several years and still hasn’t fortunate enough to feel the miracle of giving life and birth to the ‘wonder’ children.

It’s a lie if I don’t get jealous and anxious anytime I hear my friends gave birth and see their precious babies. When will the time becomes mine?

I googled and googled, asked here and there, check up to this and that specialists, promise my self to be more active and committed to be healthier, wishing til I come to the point of ignoring all the screaming inside.

Many times I hear the anger voice over “Thanks to your unhealthy way of life Anggia! You ruin yourself!” or the jealousy,  “Why can’t it be easy for me like all those other women?” or the depressive, “I’m not gonna be any younger now! Shit..shit..shit, does it mean I’ll never gonna have a child?? Nooo!” sob, or the judgmental, “Well look at yourself! You’re still smoking! What do you expect??” or the fortune-teller, “I don’t think it would be possible for you to have babies, given the condition of you and your husband are still on your way to be financially stable.” or the ‘play-it-wise’ “Relax now, when it’s time then it’s time. Now juuusstt..breaaattheeee..”
Blah! When it’s about different voice tunes in my head, I heard zillions!

Til I finally decided to just LET IT GO.

Here by all means, Let all the voices inside my head go, let whatever I feel and wanted to do just go. When I feel like this ‘super-strict-healthy-vegan’, I just do. Or anytime I feel like piling my blood with full fats, do. I feel like all fitness babe craze? Muai thai works!. All and all, go ahead!

It’s interesting just to watch how I can evolve from one emotions to the next. One minute I’m ignorant, and the next I got anxious so easily. Yep, I understand exactly now what a mood swing is.

I’m learning to enjoy all the bad complaints I heard in my head, and thanking the beautiful wise soothing words I could came up with. It’s fun to know I’m able to just do my own self-interventions.

Even on those gloomy days, when my tears flows down, all I want to do is just to embrace myself more.

And once again it is proven how God loves me unconditionally. He definitely wants me to take a good care of myself and having fun with everything that I can still do for now.

He wants me to look further, open my eyes bigger, and getting all those decent feelings of sobriety I’ve lost many years before. He just lovingly shows me that I’m on my way.

I’m on my way to love myself more and more, on my way healthier, on my way to be more responsible, on my way to grow steadier.

And who knows, maybe after I’m succeeded in taking a full responsibility to myself, then I could take part in passing that on to another human being who grows from my belly.

What I know now is that God is smiling at me and said,

“Smile Anggia, it will be prettier, just in time.. 🙂 “

A Little Note to God

No no no

I’m not always tough

I don’t always smile all the time

I’m not always this typical happy go lucky running around free

There’s many dark moments in my life

Many buttons I must swallow, too bitterly

But here I am, and life goes on

These roller coaster rides

Spare me those lowest swirls, what’s new?

Cos when it’s jolted up, I’m flying..

That’s the beauty

Many times I wish I could scream my lungs out to the world I live in

Yet, it’s too beautiful in the end, for whatever

Oh God, the joyrides..

How can it ever gets old?

And these miseries..

How can I avoid to feel lucky?

Magic always rise at the most perfect time

I believe in the odd of the infinite miracles awaits for me

So here I am God, on Your knees

Dragging myself to stay steady

Indeed it’s a struggle

but I’m ready

Thank You God

I Love You