Irrational Thinking of The Very Rational Thinker as She Called Herself That #2

Guess what? Here we are once again in the same shit hole.

I found another “goodie-bag” in my husband’s bag. Well hidden, but God led me to it anyways (personal endless thanks for God on this matter, Subhanallah Walhamdulillah Walaa ilaa Hailallah)

Yep, I’ve wrote in one of my blog of how me and my husband are fighting our own battle. Myself with BPD and as a Recovering Addict, and him with drugs. I wish I could note him as a Recovering Addicts too, but on this matter I need him to state this by his actions.

It’s funny the art of letting go is. How unbelievably fast it does works.

The last blog I wrote was just freshly published yesterday, exactly the moment I chose to let my bad thoughts go and just trust my husband instead. Then miraculously 24 hours later I found his stack of used pipe and an empty small plastic bag under a pen box. It’s magic.

He still doesn’t know that I know though. I still don’t know what to say to him for now. I don’t think I want  to have another same ol’ same ol’ arguments anymore. It’s too easy to recall those in my head.

I’m not going to force the things I cannot change. It’s not my part. I’ve said au revoir to it long time enough.

What I don’t know for now is how to deal with it? It’s too tempting to ask for a divorce, but yet I still don’t want to give up. Not yet, not anymore.

I know I am hurt. I know I feel like giving up. I know this mixed emotions of anger and hatred twisting in. But somehow I don’t feel sad. It’s disappointing indeed, but yet, no tears.

I need to set myself straight first. This whole emotions I feel is still random, for its different buttons are pressed at the very same time. Which one would win? Well I choose to win the sanity over, in spite of other emotions that might chain along.

And my sanity said.. (this is as sane as I could for now) :

  • This already happen not just once.  You had your part in ‘saving’ this marriage when you decided to stay in a rehab, and yet the pattern still repeating itself.
  • Marriage needs respect, and commitment, and honesty.
  • It takes two to tango
  • People are responsible for their own actions, how ever other circumstances like other people or place or things might drag them.
  • I’d be stupid if I pretend that he’ll be better, pretend that it won’t happen again. It already happened 3 times. What more do you expect? It’s not a slip up, it’s a habit.
  • I know he loves me, but I don’t think he loves me enough to stay honest with me.
  • I love him, and I don’t want to see us fight for useless things anymore. Arguing of why, how, when and impacts of him still using drugs I consider as a useless thing, we’ve been there before, but simple fact = he still choose to consume it anyways, in spite of.
  • I need to grow up, not down, or on hold.
  • Get better or get out.
  • Apparently he hasn’t hit bottom, so..
  • He need to proof to himself if ever he really wants to quit, nothing I do that would change him if he doesn’t have that willingness from his own.
  • Words are cheap, and action sounds better.

That’s all I could think of for now. I’m in the battle of this too, once as the addict and now still as someone with my own mental disorder, but that doesn’t stop me for taking those steps to sobriety and sanity. I don’t give up on mine, though I can’t force him to do the same. It’s his choice now, cos I can’t stay. Not if he still continue using, not if he’s still lying, not if he refuse to climb up.


Update :

I’m glad we finally reach an agreement. Yes, he defense, yes he gave excuses, yes he was attacking my inventories. That’s why I decided to drop the case for now, as I make a deal with him that if ever he caught using drugs again, no matter what he’s excuses will be, then it means he has to stay in rehab for 6 months, willingly commit to the program or I’m going to leave him, as in a divorce. And I meant it.

It’s clear enough for me not to be drowned in his game, he might think he wins this time, but I’ve settled my decision. There won’t be any ‘next time’ for him next time.





Dark Phase of the Moon

Right now is the lowest moment in my life. Maybe it’s just a phase, and I guess in life, it’s only natural. But it doesn’t change the fact that I feel devastated, and there’s nobody to blame, not even God, cos I do realize it’s a phase.
I just wish that this dark phase will soon be over. That it finally lifted, brighter. That all these tears, and heart shattered finally found it means. That the struggles would finally be worth it. That I have all it takes to finally progressing.
I can’t even put in words of how I feel, since the pain collide side by side with realization, though I still can’t say I’m already at acceptance. No, every second could torture, though the next, the tears are forgotten.
Every bumps, and ripped apart, and those silent screams exchanges too soon with enlightenment til I sometimes think I’m on denial.
I don’t even have the power to deny, as my energy had drained, and my brain could only limited to think of what’s next to do, since standing still had no longer be an option. It would be too costly to do so, while the struggle is real.
I wanted to ask why, and complain to God, which I had, for far too many. But still, the test is not done yet, I can feel it.
I never asked to be strong, well.. maybe I had recklessly and unintentionally did, but what did I know?
The more realization I’ve acknowledged, the more I know nothing. And in this nothingness now is where I stand, to learn to be able to at least find at ease…
Gosh.. wake me up from this dark road faster please.. I don’t want to loose hope, I don’t want to loose me… which it seems start to feel like it..

The Pursuit of Happiness

It’s Sunday today. I don’t know why but suddenly this epiphany knocks me out in the head. It’s about the pursuit of happiness. The thing that seems so simple to have but so hard in the process sometimes.

While I’m lounging doing nothing much, just watching my husband preparing me lunch and my cute white furball dog leaning his head on my palm excited to get a pet, a warm feeling blossoming in my chest.
This is perfect. I feel complete.

I know from society’s standard there’s something still missing. The picture would be more aggreeably perfect if we have kids lounging with us too or just messing around playing with their toys, but this is perfect. It is for me. It already is.

The picture I see from my eye sight, of my husband making me lunch, of my cute dog which loves us like we love it, of our small cozy home, of me lounging enjoying the view, and the warm uplifting feelings I get bursting from my chest, is the kind of picture imprinted well in my memory, my treasure, my kinda’ pursuit of happiness.. 🙂

(Throwback Sunday, Dec’14)

To Trust or Not To Trust My Husband, That Is The BIG Question

Adat #1

Yes I do have a choice whether to trust my husband or not.

Let’s see the impact of each choice now.

If I choose not to trust him, I would :

  1. Be suspicious anytime he went out our door. Whether he’s out for work, or getting the laundry, or buying food. Anywhere. Whenever I cannot see his nose right in front of me, I would feel that he would do something fishy behind my back.
  2. Play detective on him. I would check on his phone, his wallet, his pants, his pockets, his bags or anything that I could check up on to get that ‘evidence’ out, to which I would do secretly since I don’t want him to get clever if he knows.
  3. Investigate him endlessly. Here by means I have to play “good cop bad cop” on him all at once and creating an endless tricky questions, hoping he’ll be trapped to confess, if any.
  4. Make the ‘face’. Every time he walks in I would surely let him know that I am hurt, even without words. I would make him notice that “I know you’re gonna hurt me, hit it already!” by the look of my sour face.
  5. Gather all the broken pieces he made, or if by chance he would break, and be left feeling miserable most of the time.
  6. Be awkward anytime he’s near. Kinda hard to keep up in between the love and hate relationship all the time, isn’t it?
  7. Sink in a hell house. Our house would definitely a horror for us to live in. Yea, how could a cop and a thief living in one roof without trying to get on each others’ neck?

Imagine how HARD that kind of life I have to go through each day if I don’t trust him? So much endless work to do, much isolation, life threatening episodes, no security, no guarantee, and not to mention the rapid growth of my skin wrinkles after so many sobs and pouts I have to make each day. NOT PRETTY.

Ok now, how ‘bout the second option?

If I choose to trust him, then I would :

  1. Believe him. Here by means I believe he would fully aware that this husband and wife bond is not just by the ring on our finger, but more likely by each others’ oath to stay true to each other. It’s the dignity to stay committed no matter what. No one so dignified would screw up that easy, right?
  2. Carefree. Ah, isn’t it beautiful that word is? Care-free. This is what all humans are looking for! To have the freedom not to care!
  3. Live easy. No creating endless questions, or spiraling in suspicions. No homework to do. Who loves homework anyways?
  4. Smile all the time. Of course this happens when you trust someone. Every time you see that person you trust in front of you, the feeling of security and comfort is all you get. Who wouldn’t smile for that?
  5. Feel wonderful. See that glow? Yes, that’s how wonderful the wonderful feeling is! Everything even feels lighter when I feel wonderful.
  6. Be grateful anytime he’s around. Well, I love him, of course it feels great when he’s around.
  7. As if living in heaven. Again, we all know the feeling when we love somebody, right? Guess what, that somebody I love lives with me! I get to meet him everyday! 24/7! Well, it’s heaven indeed.
  8. Have no worry. Am I sure I like to feel worry all the time? When I’m worried my head doesn’t stop chirping it makes me dizzy. When I’m worried it’s hard for me to sleep. When I’m worried my energy is already flushed to even do another useful things. When I’m worried it’s harder to move. When I’m worried I get so mellow as if it’s the end of the world every day. Geez, so much for being worry. NO thanks.
  9. Tone down the unnecessary wrinkles. This is the best part! I can imagine that there’s only those happy wrinkles leaving marks on my skin when I gets old. That’s a real proof of how I had spent my life.

Pheeww..OK, I think I can see clear enough which one to choose now. And if ever my husband broke my trust, then it’ll be HIS LOST anyways. Cos I know, I won’t leave unless I’m ‘forced’ to do so.

Ok my love, I trust you 😉

On Self Meditation

I recently quite into self meditation.. well for the last few months to be exact.

An amazing recovery facilitation taught me at first, and turns out it helps me so far, given the fact that I have to deal with myself and the situations around me everyday.

There I learn that ” nobody else could really help you, except yourself ” and more importantly, we definitely must take care and embrace ourselves first, before we do that for others. Well, those really getting more and more to my sense cos how could you give so much if yourself is ’empty’ ? What to give out then?

I can finally see that if I depend on anyone else to make me happy, somewhere along the way I would be disappointed. Cos relying on anyone else is limited and sometimes, it would not meet our needs. But if I depend on me on that, it would be abundant! Cos I’m the only one who really knows about me, what I want and what I need, any time. I know how to make myself happy 🙂

Then, going back about self meditation, I believe it heals me. At least it gives me the time to let myself relax, shutting my brain (and all the ‘chatty’ inside), focus on the guidance and just breathe deep, in full awareness.

Plus, since I’m preparing myself to be pregnant and kinda in this ‘journey’ to reconnect with myself ‘mind body and soul’, here I share one of my favorite self meditation video from Youtube.

This is part of my daytime routine now, looking up for new positive affirmations or relaxing tunes that would soothe me down throughout the day.

I help me, and that’s what matters 😀

” Give out, then you’ll receive more”