The Journey In Finding Myself

I bet today is special. Well, to me it is, since I got this “aha!” moment after so long that I thought that I started to decay.

I mean really, I kinda back to losing myself again. I was so busy feeling busy, doing important things un-importantly (but busy busy) since I already feel like it’s just a daily routine which I no longer need to put my brain and thoughts to it anymore. All the waking up doing chores least be social everyday the same thing all over again, to the point I don’t necessary feel like looking up at the time or date or day anymore, since it’s all feel the same kind of stuffs. Anything new or out of ordinary, even social gatherings, with close friends or family, would feel suffocating since I knew it’ll be just temporary til I go back to my same ‘ol routine again, so I better not – if I may choose – moments, and the longing but knowing not being able to go back to the past – so better get myself together and carry on lonesome, but hey that’s life – puffed mindset. But not today.

This day, this hour, I somehow feel rejuvenated. I suddenly know how and why I felt that ultra-bored, how I’ve become so boring, and how boredom had been my thickest friend.

I wasn’t a people’s person back then, I wanted to, but I’m not. I don’t gives a shit about other people cos I, me, don’t even gives a shit about myself. I was a great pretender though, I could imitate anything and anyone, ace that then to even fooling myself thinking it was my character. But it wasn’t. Well, not really, since in one point or two there I was happy, ultra happy, that’s why now I often wanting to jump back to the past experiencing everything back, twice. But this is not why I suddenly feel like to write, this is not my aha moment, though this, about not a people’s person- imitating stuff, will be on my thoughts for next.

The not giving a shit about self is my major problem, and that’s my aha moment. Funny I just figured that one major thing out now that I’ve been alive for 13,054 days (yep I used a calculator, not a genius here, #sorrynotsorry).

I could feel that bored, almost decaying not caring about what’s going on around my life anymore is because my soul – that inner self had died, since I don’t gives a shit that hard to myself. I don’t care with me wanting to feel and look pretty anymore, don’t care whether it’s been too long since the last time I wash my hair (a week max I promise though) or that I in desperate needs to buy new clothes and girls stuffs, or even just go the F use that SPF lotion so my skin don’t burn this much (sigh!), or the thoughts of wanting to eat healthier food permanently (tried once for a few months, didn’t get what I want, so bye) or just as simple as go eat that f-in food your stomach already growl much – stuff.

All those that I thought faarr not important since it’s just little things – get yerself together – I can handle it – no biggies stuff.

Now this aha moment strike hard. I thought I started to go back to zombie mode again, feeling nothing – numbing everything. Almost thought, hey maybe I’m one of those sociopath ? or perhaps more psycho ? Where this heart ran ? How can’t I feel ? Is this sad ? Is this sad, or is it joy I feel cos I think it is but maybe not, I can’t be this melodrama and psycho all at once, no? Am I really laughing, I know my face is and those giggles, but heart, hey where’d you go?

Here’s the thing, I know I hate when other people is making promises they don’t intend to keep. Same goes for you, self. I won’t hurt you that way. We’ve made that oath. So I won’t promise you that I’ll take care of you more. I could only tell you that now I understand, I hear you. I know your needs, to be heard. And when you come back whispering to my ear, I’ll listen, and we’ll do something about it. We’ll talk, and you’ll see me actually doing something about it, for you. Cos you, self, is the most important thing first. If you’re gone, then I’d sure be forever tone deaf.

Labeling Bad Habits

When bad habits are too often played in rewind
We become too accustomed,
We then prone to give it a label

We are certainly sure that this is a broken character, of them certain human beings

When we sense them gonna do the exact same “un-acceptable” thing like always,
We hurriedly thought it’s better to be cautious,
Then we build walls as high to avert pain

We thought it’s only natural,
To build a certain defense mechanism,
For a self protection

But what happens if it turns out differently?
Those who you gave labels at,
Turns out only trying hard to do good,
Though with their limitations,
Not as perfect as you might could,
But it’s the best they could do at the moment.

I’ve been that Judge Dredd myself
Didn’t notice that this defense mechanism I thought only for a self protection, was turning me bitter
A sarcastic with a sharp tongue

I only see from my own perspective
When people don’t respond as I expect them to be,
I became furious, and mean

Whether it’s intentionally or not, I discredit others with intimidation
Thinking how come they can’t do what is easy for me to do,
And that is just plain shallow

Too easy to see ourselves as a victim,
Since life is like a movie, and we supposed to be the leading role
The innocence, who most possibly should face some combat with villains

Til at some point, which is unavoidably, I must watch how I actually IS the villain

So before you think you’re saint enough to point at other people’s face and knock them down with labels,
Have some good look at yourself

And then again, who are you to judge?

Accepting the Defeat

It’s a lovely day today.

The wind breeze kindly embracing the dim sun shinning light. 

All I hear is just, silence. No echo, no voices, not even my dog barking loud.

I turn up my music, still, no rhytm buzzing through me. I’m a deaf man.

It’s a lovely day to accept defeat.

I’m a sinner, I know I’ve lost. An egocentric caught in a naivette eye of a child, who suddenly wakes up.

I’ve waste my life, for nothing really. As if the war, the ambitions, the glory are just..vague camuflage. 

How I’ve come so far, just to sit back, and sees nothing.

No more questions, not even seeing eye to eye within myself no more. 

I accept, the defeat.

The Pursuit of Happiness

It’s Sunday today. I don’t know why but suddenly this epiphany knocks me out in the head. It’s about the pursuit of happiness. The thing that seems so simple to have but so hard in the process sometimes.

While I’m lounging doing nothing much, just watching my husband preparing me lunch and my cute white furball dog leaning his head on my palm excited to get a pet, a warm feeling blossoming in my chest.
This is perfect. I feel complete.

I know from society’s standard there’s something still missing. The picture would be more aggreeably perfect if we have kids lounging with us too or just messing around playing with their toys, but this is perfect. It is for me. It already is.

The picture I see from my eye sight, of my husband making me lunch, of my cute dog which loves us like we love it, of our small cozy home, of me lounging enjoying the view, and the warm uplifting feelings I get bursting from my chest, is the kind of picture imprinted well in my memory, my treasure, my kinda’ pursuit of happiness.. 🙂

(Throwback Sunday, Dec’14)

Expectation Vs. Hope

Life doesn’t always go as you expected, it won’t.

I know how us human could be devastated just to hear that notion. How could that be?
How could those words makes you feel as if you’re the most pessimist person in the world, that you’re just miserable, the way you see such a life with no hope?

Hmm…this is where I think I got it wrong.

Expectation is not the same with Hope.

Expectation = A strong belief that something will happen or be the case ; A belief that someone will or should achieve something ; One’s prospects of inheritance

Hope = A feeling of desire for a particular thing to happen ; A person or thing that may help or save someone ; Grounds for believing that something good may happen ; A feeling of trust

(taken from Oxford Dictionaries, link : http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/expectation and here : http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/hope

When I expect something, even for the smallest thing, more likely I will be disappointed. While hope to me is just proposing for something positive, and with a positive conscious. So the end result will definitely be different.

I know I’m somewhere in between those two state of mind. My mind can get ‘tricky’ considering the outcome.

So let me make myself clear. To make a clearer view, I have to note down all the implication, my ‘tree-of-mind’ which will lead to my action and reaction, prejudice or neutral :

For instance, I’m expecting my husband to treat me better.
Since I’m expecting = a belief that someone will or should achieve something (in this case = my husband), based on One’s prospects of inheritance (in this case = me, my point of view) then I’m the one who “predict” or “setting goals of achievements” to which set the values that is acceptable in my qualification list for the word “better”.
Hmm.. then it sounds like I be the “judge” to his value, almost the same like playing God here, don’t you think?

Then how if I say “I hope my husband to treat me better” ?
I hope = A feeling of desire for a particular thing to happen ; A person (my husband) or thing that may help or save someone (me) ; Grounds for believing that something good may happen ; A feeling of trust.
Whether I or my husband be the subject or the object mentioned above, both share the take-and-give notion which sounded more sincere and positive for both sides.

I like the second notion better, so I’ll be more careful in expressing my words and thoughts upon matters.

As a human being, all we can do is try and hope for the better outcome. So if we don’t say it right or set the right mind to it, it might as well be a misleading end result, don’t you think?

Re-Creating Myself Never Ends

I can’t believe it’s been a year since I first starting to blog, and means it’s been 2 years since my amazing experience in rehab. Wow to me!

Last Sept 5th was also my birthday, my 33th birthday. Quite an old age for a young girl..LOL. 

I can say now that my life has finally becomes more normal than I thought it could. Life has become more and more beautiful each day. It’s beautiful to see myself to be able to be a real human being, complete with different kinds of emotions and challenges each day, or zero of those on a so-so day, but isn’t wonderful?? The most beautiful gift to be a human being is that we can feel, and think, and do something about it, or not, and just repeat, then think, then really set our actions to deal with it, so the insanity pattern breaks off. 

 I wish I could share every single detail of what the psychiatrists at the recovery facility had taught me. There’s so many useful programs and personal approaches they’ve taught me that helps me get my life back. It indeed takes works, and the work shall never ends. 

One thing, I agree in terms recovery rather than rehab, since it indeed recovers what I don’t want to ‘restored’ back in my life, such as my past time insanity.

Like a quote I heard many times there, “It works if you work it”, and by the quote I read somewhere “Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about CREATING yourself”, which makes perfect sense for me. It’s true, cos it’s indeed tiresome to ‘try finding something out’, while I could always just do it all over again, differently. I know when I’m doing it the right way, the end result would be rewarding, satisfying, and most importantly, brings in the peace within. 

 I know different people chases different things in life, but again, in the end of the day people are looking for the feeling at ease, that we’ve made it, so it makes us happy. 

Happiness, it always comes back to that feeling, isn’t it? It’s what our brain needs, so our body could function better. “Happiness is an inside job“, and for this, I’m going to keep re-creating my own self, my own mind, for peace within. 

To Trust or Not To Trust My Husband, That Is The BIG Question

Adat #1

Yes I do have a choice whether to trust my husband or not.

Let’s see the impact of each choice now.

If I choose not to trust him, I would :

  1. Be suspicious anytime he went out our door. Whether he’s out for work, or getting the laundry, or buying food. Anywhere. Whenever I cannot see his nose right in front of me, I would feel that he would do something fishy behind my back.
  2. Play detective on him. I would check on his phone, his wallet, his pants, his pockets, his bags or anything that I could check up on to get that ‘evidence’ out, to which I would do secretly since I don’t want him to get clever if he knows.
  3. Investigate him endlessly. Here by means I have to play “good cop bad cop” on him all at once and creating an endless tricky questions, hoping he’ll be trapped to confess, if any.
  4. Make the ‘face’. Every time he walks in I would surely let him know that I am hurt, even without words. I would make him notice that “I know you’re gonna hurt me, hit it already!” by the look of my sour face.
  5. Gather all the broken pieces he made, or if by chance he would break, and be left feeling miserable most of the time.
  6. Be awkward anytime he’s near. Kinda hard to keep up in between the love and hate relationship all the time, isn’t it?
  7. Sink in a hell house. Our house would definitely a horror for us to live in. Yea, how could a cop and a thief living in one roof without trying to get on each others’ neck?

Imagine how HARD that kind of life I have to go through each day if I don’t trust him? So much endless work to do, much isolation, life threatening episodes, no security, no guarantee, and not to mention the rapid growth of my skin wrinkles after so many sobs and pouts I have to make each day. NOT PRETTY.

Ok now, how ‘bout the second option?

If I choose to trust him, then I would :

  1. Believe him. Here by means I believe he would fully aware that this husband and wife bond is not just by the ring on our finger, but more likely by each others’ oath to stay true to each other. It’s the dignity to stay committed no matter what. No one so dignified would screw up that easy, right?
  2. Carefree. Ah, isn’t it beautiful that word is? Care-free. This is what all humans are looking for! To have the freedom not to care!
  3. Live easy. No creating endless questions, or spiraling in suspicions. No homework to do. Who loves homework anyways?
  4. Smile all the time. Of course this happens when you trust someone. Every time you see that person you trust in front of you, the feeling of security and comfort is all you get. Who wouldn’t smile for that?
  5. Feel wonderful. See that glow? Yes, that’s how wonderful the wonderful feeling is! Everything even feels lighter when I feel wonderful.
  6. Be grateful anytime he’s around. Well, I love him, of course it feels great when he’s around.
  7. As if living in heaven. Again, we all know the feeling when we love somebody, right? Guess what, that somebody I love lives with me! I get to meet him everyday! 24/7! Well, it’s heaven indeed.
  8. Have no worry. Am I sure I like to feel worry all the time? When I’m worried my head doesn’t stop chirping it makes me dizzy. When I’m worried it’s hard for me to sleep. When I’m worried my energy is already flushed to even do another useful things. When I’m worried it’s harder to move. When I’m worried I get so mellow as if it’s the end of the world every day. Geez, so much for being worry. NO thanks.
  9. Tone down the unnecessary wrinkles. This is the best part! I can imagine that there’s only those happy wrinkles leaving marks on my skin when I gets old. That’s a real proof of how I had spent my life.

Pheeww..OK, I think I can see clear enough which one to choose now. And if ever my husband broke my trust, then it’ll be HIS LOST anyways. Cos I know, I won’t leave unless I’m ‘forced’ to do so.

Ok my love, I trust you 😉