Life’s Choices

I’m so sad. Who am I fooling?

I’m starting to questioning this choice again..

All of my conscious mind and all those logic and justifications know that it’s a process, and that I can’t expect anything from people, even if they’re the closest ones. But it still playing with my emotions even so..

Is this the kind of live I dare to stay on? Would my sanity hang in there? Cos I am more sensing that it start to fade away again..

I’m getting tired of reassuring myself with all those positive and wise affirmations that I could think of, since it started to feel like a big junk of shit. Now who am I kidding?

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No Perfection is just Perfect

I’m not perfect, as I am just a human being

I make mistakes, most likely from the choices I made, and by the human feelings I’m attached to

I often doubt my future, as I often doubt whether to eat salad or steak

I worry too, specially for the unknown, or by the worst probability theories of how it might end badly

There’s also times when I cried my lungs out and just beg that I don’t have to experience certain pain that I must go through

Sometimes I have a too high expectations on people, or things, and at life, til disappointments after disappointments made me numb, well.. I thought I was.

But then life keeps moving, even after that lightning thunder, whether will there be rain or storm,
To rainbows or nothing at all, it just keeps rolling

So I have no other choice but to get it together, catch up, and run forward each time I could
To have doubts or be convinced, then have it both wrong, it doesn’t matter
As long as I know I make choices, and face it no matter what

After all, life is a test anyway
From bad choices I know I can learn
And by not expecting it to be perfect, turns out is just perfect

Irrational Thinking of The Very Rational Thinker as She Called Herself That #2

Guess what? Here we are once again in the same shit hole.

I found another “goodie-bag” in my husband’s bag. Well hidden, but God led me to it anyways (personal endless thanks for God on this matter, Subhanallah Walhamdulillah Walaa ilaa Hailallah)

Yep, I’ve wrote in one of my blog of how me and my husband are fighting our own battle. Myself with BPD and as a Recovering Addict, and him with drugs. I wish I could note him as a Recovering Addicts too, but on this matter I need him to state this by his actions.

It’s funny the art of letting go is. How unbelievably fast it does works.

The last blog I wrote was just freshly published yesterday, exactly the moment I chose to let my bad thoughts go and just trust my husband instead. Then miraculously 24 hours later I found his stack of used pipe and an empty small plastic bag under a pen box. It’s magic.

He still doesn’t know that I know though. I still don’t know what to say to him for now. I don’t think I wantΒ  to have another same ol’ same ol’ arguments anymore. It’s too easy to recall those in my head.

I’m not going to force the things I cannot change. It’s not my part. I’ve said au revoir to it long time enough.

What I don’t know for now is how to deal with it? It’s too tempting to ask for a divorce, but yet I still don’t want to give up. Not yet, not anymore.

I know I am hurt. I know I feel like giving up. I know this mixed emotions of anger and hatred twisting in. But somehow I don’t feel sad. It’s disappointing indeed, but yet, no tears.

I need to set myself straight first. This whole emotions I feel is still random, for its different buttons are pressed at the very same time. Which one would win? Well I choose to win the sanity over, in spite of other emotions that might chain along.

And my sanity said.. (this is as sane as I could for now) :

  • This already happen not just once.Β  You had your part in ‘saving’ this marriage when you decided to stay in a rehab, and yet the pattern still repeating itself.
  • Marriage needs respect, and commitment, and honesty.
  • It takes two to tango
  • People are responsible for their own actions, how ever other circumstances like other people or place or things might drag them.
  • I’d be stupid if I pretend that he’ll be better, pretend that it won’t happen again. It already happened 3 times. What more do you expect? It’s not a slip up, it’s a habit.
  • I know he loves me, but I don’t think he loves me enough to stay honest with me.
  • I love him, and I don’t want to see us fight for useless things anymore. Arguing of why, how, when and impacts of him still using drugs I consider as a useless thing, we’ve been there before, but simple fact = he still choose to consume it anyways, in spite of.
  • I need to grow up, not down, or on hold.
  • Get better or get out.
  • Apparently he hasn’t hit bottom, so..
  • He need to proof to himself if ever he really wants to quit, nothing I do that would change him if he doesn’t have that willingness from his own.
  • Words are cheap, and action sounds better.

That’s all I could think of for now. I’m in the battle of this too, once as the addict and now still as someone with my own mental disorder, but that doesn’t stop me for taking those steps to sobriety and sanity. I don’t give up on mine, though I can’t force him to do the same. It’s his choice now, cos I can’t stay. Not if he still continue using, not if he’s still lying, not if he refuse to climb up.

 

Update :

I’m glad we finally reach an agreement. Yes, he defense, yes he gave excuses, yes he was attacking my inventories. That’s why I decided to drop the case for now, as I make a deal with him that if ever he caught using drugs again, no matter what he’s excuses will be, then it means he has to stay in rehab for 6 months, willingly commit to the program or I’m going to leave him, as in a divorce. And I meant it.

It’s clear enough for me not to be drowned in his game, he might think he wins this time, but I’ve settled my decision. There won’t be any ‘next time’ for him next time.