The Journey In Finding Myself

I bet today is special. Well, to me it is, since I got this “aha!” moment after so long that I thought that I started to decay.

I mean really, I kinda back to losing myself again. I was so busy feeling busy, doing important things un-importantly (but busy busy) since I already feel like it’s just a daily routine which I no longer need to put my brain and thoughts to it anymore. All the waking up doing chores least be social everyday the same thing all over again, to the point I don’t necessary feel like looking up at the time or date or day anymore, since it’s all feel the same kind of stuffs. Anything new or out of ordinary, even social gatherings, with close friends or family, would feel suffocating since I knew it’ll be just temporary til I go back to my same ‘ol routine again, so I better not – if I may choose – moments, and the longing but knowing not being able to go back to the past – so better get myself together and carry on lonesome, but hey that’s life – puffed mindset. But not today.

This day, this hour, I somehow feel rejuvenated. I suddenly know how and why I felt that ultra-bored, how I’ve become so boring, and how boredom had been my thickest friend.

I wasn’t a people’s person back then, I wanted to, but I’m not. I don’t gives a shit about other people cos I, me, don’t even gives a shit about myself. I was a great pretender though, I could imitate anything and anyone, ace that then to even fooling myself thinking it was my character. But it wasn’t. Well, not really, since in one point or two there I was happy, ultra happy, that’s why now I often wanting to jump back to the past experiencing everything back, twice. But this is not why I suddenly feel like to write, this is not my aha moment, though this, about not a people’s person- imitating stuff, will be on my thoughts for next.

The not giving a shit about self is my major problem, and that’s my aha moment. Funny I just figured that one major thing out now that I’ve been alive for 13,054 days (yep I used a calculator, not a genius here, #sorrynotsorry).

I could feel that bored, almost decaying not caring about what’s going on around my life anymore is because my soul – that inner self had died, since I don’t gives a shit that hard to myself. I don’t care with me wanting to feel and look pretty anymore, don’t care whether it’s been too long since the last time I wash my hair (a week max I promise though) or that I in desperate needs to buy new clothes and girls stuffs, or even just go the F use that SPF lotion so my skin don’t burn this much (sigh!), or the thoughts of wanting to eat healthier food permanently (tried once for a few months, didn’t get what I want, so bye) or just as simple as go eat that f-in food your stomach already growl much – stuff.

All those that I thought faarr not important since it’s just little things – get yerself together – I can handle it – no biggies stuff.

Now this aha moment strike hard. I thought I started to go back to zombie mode again, feeling nothing – numbing everything. Almost thought, hey maybe I’m one of those sociopath ? or perhaps more psycho ? Where this heart ran ? How can’t I feel ? Is this sad ? Is this sad, or is it joy I feel cos I think it is but maybe not, I can’t be this melodrama and psycho all at once, no? Am I really laughing, I know my face is and those giggles, but heart, hey where’d you go?

Here’s the thing, I know I hate when other people is making promises they don’t intend to keep. Same goes for you, self. I won’t hurt you that way. We’ve made that oath. So I won’t promise you that I’ll take care of you more. I could only tell you that now I understand, I hear you. I know your needs, to be heard. And when you come back whispering to my ear, I’ll listen, and we’ll do something about it. We’ll talk, and you’ll see me actually doing something about it, for you. Cos you, self, is the most important thing first. If you’re gone, then I’d sure be forever tone deaf.