Irrational Thinking of the Very Rational Thinker as She Called Herself That #1

At this very moment, I don’t think I like my life, and I don’t like that idea.

I did things that a good wife should do, daily. I’m taking care of my husband, our house, our dog, more than I’m taking care of myself, push hard and do things beyond what I’m capable of doing. And after I’m finished with those ‘intern hassles’, I move on to take care of my mom, my dad and my family, daily. 7 days on every week, with all those same routine.

I know it’s irrational, foolish and unfair, but I don’t have more energy to take care of myself afterwards.

Days after days, expectations through expectations, demands after demands.

Sometimes I wonder, is it too selfish if I’m wanting things for me too?

I can see myself repeating the same pattern, over and over again. I kept neglecting myself for other people or things that I thought ‘more worth it’, more ‘precious’. But will it ever has an end?

As a human being, sometimes I give up. Things could really become frustrating, specially when the people that I most concern about kept seeing the things I do is ‘normal’, so they keep demanding and ‘blaming’ if I, on one of those days, doesn’t do as they want me to do, or be as they want me to be.

Many times I wish I could yell at them, or be like them, and just took things for granted. But then again, I’m not them. Somewhere in between, I do wish I’m better than them. But then, will it becomes the legitimation to be “Okay” to give all out and becomes abundantly havoc just to make the people that I love happy and satisfied? Is it worth it?

Let’s recap now.

I choose not to pick up other people’s inventory and becomes the dramatizing self-pity person that I was.

Things I know about me which is the roots of my ‘doormat’ behavior is my irrational thinking of how ‘unworthy’ I am. I measure all with ‘worth’, from what I assume and think. OK, that’s the big evil in there.

I repeatedly keep pushing my limit cos I’ve been longing for their recognitions, them, the people I love and care about. And since I am so hard to please, it’s really hard to make me satisfied of course. I don’t stop though I’ve heard some compliments and thanks a few times. It even makes me want more. Looks like I’m compelled to be ‘crushed’ so I get their compliments. How destructive, and manipulative.

So how to de-compel me? It’s not an easy task, but I’m sure I’ll find the way out.

First, I can’t make people to continuously complimenting me or to recognize all the ‘good deeds and efforts’ I make for them. It’s a slavery and unreal. Too bad I can see insincerity in people’s tone, gestures or eyes when I see them. Back again, according to my assumption, and my own observations, and my judgements. Yep, I’m THAT judgmental, and distrust. Which makes me insincere too. Why? Cos how could a sincere person see an insincerity when they don’t do them? People tend to judge easier based on their own experience, don’t they? Insincere person could detect insincerity, that’s just the law of the universe.

So, this law of the universe attached to each other. As we too learning about every single mishap in our lives based on our senses, experience, empathy, other people’s stories, movies and all. But what bites the hardest is what we’ve reflected from.

I hate unfaithfulness cos I’d been unfaithful and I’ve seen unfaithfulness as well.  I beg for respect cos people too, beg for my respect. That’s why I do believe, what we don’t like from things or people is actually the reflection of who we are, well at least it’s a little fragment of our characteristics that we don’t like from ourselves. And what sucks is, when we don’t like certain matters, then that’s exactly the things we’re gonna handle the most in the future. Alas! And that’s what I called, “the trap of the universe”.

So, back again to reality and my recent situation. I can see the things that I don’t like from these people I love, and how I’m compelled in it. How to de-compel it?

I shall be me, but who am I? I’ve become so complex since I’ve let myself swim in their demands and expectations. The easy way out? Don’t be what they expect me to be, and just be the me I want to be at the moment.big grin and that is just so simple. We can’t always please everybody, can we?

Second, screw their expectations, cos it will never end, seriously. And that goes the same with mine.

Just listen to my conscious. I know I’m a good person after all. Well at least I want to be good each day, and that willingness is what matters. I’m sure it’s gonna reflect on what I do onwards. So, slouching back every one day or two is not a crime.

Third, stop competing with yourself, hey Anggia. Learn to un-wise every one or two. It doesn’t hurt to be un-perfect. Nobody is anyways.

To be a little care-less on your entire caring days is therapeutic.

It is you who you should love the most anyways, since how could you love others if you don’t know how to love yourself? What do you give if you don’t take something for you to give back?

Problem solved 😀

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