On Self Meditation

I recently quite into self meditation.. well for the last few months to be exact.

An amazing recovery facilitation taught me at first, and turns out it helps me so far, given the fact that I have to deal with myself and the situations around me everyday.

There I learn that ” nobody else could really help you, except yourself ” and more importantly, we definitely must take care and embrace ourselves first, before we do that for others. Well, those really getting more and more to my sense cos how could you give so much if yourself is ’empty’ ? What to give out then?

I can finally see that if I depend on anyone else to make me happy, somewhere along the way I would be disappointed. Cos relying on anyone else is limited and sometimes, it would not meet our needs. But if I depend on me on that, it would be abundant! Cos I’m the only one who really knows about me, what I want and what I need, any time. I know how to make myself happy 🙂

Then, going back about self meditation, I believe it heals me. At least it gives me the time to let myself relax, shutting my brain (and all the ‘chatty’ inside), focus on the guidance and just breathe deep, in full awareness.

Plus, since I’m preparing myself to be pregnant and kinda in this ‘journey’ to reconnect with myself ‘mind body and soul’, here I share one of my favorite self meditation video from Youtube.

This is part of my daytime routine now, looking up for new positive affirmations or relaxing tunes that would soothe me down throughout the day.

I help me, and that’s what matters 😀

” Give out, then you’ll receive more”

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My Word on Pregnancy

Yep, I’m one of those wives who has been married for several years and still hasn’t fortunate enough to feel the miracle of giving life and birth to the ‘wonder’ children.

It’s a lie if I don’t get jealous and anxious anytime I hear my friends gave birth and see their precious babies. When will the time becomes mine?

I googled and googled, asked here and there, check up to this and that specialists, promise my self to be more active and committed to be healthier, wishing til I come to the point of ignoring all the screaming inside.

Many times I hear the anger voice over “Thanks to your unhealthy way of life Anggia! You ruin yourself!” or the jealousy,  “Why can’t it be easy for me like all those other women?” or the depressive, “I’m not gonna be any younger now! Shit..shit..shit, does it mean I’ll never gonna have a child?? Nooo!” sob, or the judgmental, “Well look at yourself! You’re still smoking! What do you expect??” or the fortune-teller, “I don’t think it would be possible for you to have babies, given the condition of you and your husband are still on your way to be financially stable.” or the ‘play-it-wise’ “Relax now, when it’s time then it’s time. Now juuusstt..breaaattheeee..”
Blah! When it’s about different voice tunes in my head, I heard zillions!

Til I finally decided to just LET IT GO.

Here by all means, Let all the voices inside my head go, let whatever I feel and wanted to do just go. When I feel like this ‘super-strict-healthy-vegan’, I just do. Or anytime I feel like piling my blood with full fats, do. I feel like all fitness babe craze? Muai thai works!. All and all, go ahead!

It’s interesting just to watch how I can evolve from one emotions to the next. One minute I’m ignorant, and the next I got anxious so easily. Yep, I understand exactly now what a mood swing is.

I’m learning to enjoy all the bad complaints I heard in my head, and thanking the beautiful wise soothing words I could came up with. It’s fun to know I’m able to just do my own self-interventions.

Even on those gloomy days, when my tears flows down, all I want to do is just to embrace myself more.

And once again it is proven how God loves me unconditionally. He definitely wants me to take a good care of myself and having fun with everything that I can still do for now.

He wants me to look further, open my eyes bigger, and getting all those decent feelings of sobriety I’ve lost many years before. He just lovingly shows me that I’m on my way.

I’m on my way to love myself more and more, on my way healthier, on my way to be more responsible, on my way to grow steadier.

And who knows, maybe after I’m succeeded in taking a full responsibility to myself, then I could take part in passing that on to another human being who grows from my belly.

What I know now is that God is smiling at me and said,

“Smile Anggia, it will be prettier, just in time.. 🙂 “