Life’s Choices

I’m so sad. Who am I fooling?

I’m starting to questioning this choice again..

All of my conscious mind and all those logic and justifications know that it’s a process, and that I can’t expect anything from people, even if they’re the closest ones. But it still playing with my emotions even so..

Is this the kind of live I dare to stay on? Would my sanity hang in there? Cos I am more sensing that it start to fade away again..

I’m getting tired of reassuring myself with all those positive and wise affirmations that I could think of, since it started to feel like a big junk of shit. Now who am I kidding?

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No Perfection is just Perfect

I’m not perfect, as I am just a human being

I make mistakes, most likely from the choices I made, and by the human feelings I’m attached to

I often doubt my future, as I often doubt whether to eat salad or steak

I worry too, specially for the unknown, or by the worst probability theories of how it might end badly

There’s also times when I cried my lungs out and just beg that I don’t have to experience certain pain that I must go through

Sometimes I have a too high expectations on people, or things, and at life, til disappointments after disappointments made me numb, well.. I thought I was.

But then life keeps moving, even after that lightning thunder, whether will there be rain or storm,
To rainbows or nothing at all, it just keeps rolling

So I have no other choice but to get it together, catch up, and run forward each time I could
To have doubts or be convinced, then have it both wrong, it doesn’t matter
As long as I know I make choices, and face it no matter what

After all, life is a test anyway
From bad choices I know I can learn
And by not expecting it to be perfect, turns out is just perfect

Irrational Thinking of The Very Rational Thinker as She Called Herself That #2

Guess what? Here we are once again in the same shit hole.

I found another “goodie-bag” in my husband’s bag. Well hidden, but God led me to it anyways (personal endless thanks for God on this matter, Subhanallah Walhamdulillah Walaa ilaa Hailallah)

Yep, I’ve wrote in one of my blog of how me and my husband are fighting our own battle. Myself with BPD and as a Recovering Addict, and him with drugs. I wish I could note him as a Recovering Addicts too, but on this matter I need him to state this by his actions.

It’s funny the art of letting go is. How unbelievably fast it does works.

The last blog I wrote was just freshly published yesterday, exactly the moment I chose to let my bad thoughts go and just trust my husband instead. Then miraculously 24 hours later I found his stack of used pipe and an empty small plastic bag under a pen box. It’s magic.

He still doesn’t know that I know though. I still don’t know what to say to him for now. I don’t think I wantΒ  to have another same ol’ same ol’ arguments anymore. It’s too easy to recall those in my head.

I’m not going to force the things I cannot change. It’s not my part. I’ve said au revoir to it long time enough.

What I don’t know for now is how to deal with it? It’s too tempting to ask for a divorce, but yet I still don’t want to give up. Not yet, not anymore.

I know I am hurt. I know I feel like giving up. I know this mixed emotions of anger and hatred twisting in. But somehow I don’t feel sad. It’s disappointing indeed, but yet, no tears.

I need to set myself straight first. This whole emotions I feel is still random, for its different buttons are pressed at the very same time. Which one would win? Well I choose to win the sanity over, in spite of other emotions that might chain along.

And my sanity said.. (this is as sane as I could for now) :

  • This already happen not just once.Β  You had your part in ‘saving’ this marriage when you decided to stay in a rehab, and yet the pattern still repeating itself.
  • Marriage needs respect, and commitment, and honesty.
  • It takes two to tango
  • People are responsible for their own actions, how ever other circumstances like other people or place or things might drag them.
  • I’d be stupid if I pretend that he’ll be better, pretend that it won’t happen again. It already happened 3 times. What more do you expect? It’s not a slip up, it’s a habit.
  • I know he loves me, but I don’t think he loves me enough to stay honest with me.
  • I love him, and I don’t want to see us fight for useless things anymore. Arguing of why, how, when and impacts of him still using drugs I consider as a useless thing, we’ve been there before, but simple fact = he still choose to consume it anyways, in spite of.
  • I need to grow up, not down, or on hold.
  • Get better or get out.
  • Apparently he hasn’t hit bottom, so..
  • He need to proof to himself if ever he really wants to quit, nothing I do that would change him if he doesn’t have that willingness from his own.
  • Words are cheap, and action sounds better.

That’s all I could think of for now. I’m in the battle of this too, once as the addict and now still as someone with my own mental disorder, but that doesn’t stop me for taking those steps to sobriety and sanity. I don’t give up on mine, though I can’t force him to do the same. It’s his choice now, cos I can’t stay. Not if he still continue using, not if he’s still lying, not if he refuse to climb up.

 

Update :

I’m glad we finally reach an agreement. Yes, he defense, yes he gave excuses, yes he was attacking my inventories. That’s why I decided to drop the case for now, as I make a deal with him that if ever he caught using drugs again, no matter what he’s excuses will be, then it means he has to stay in rehab for 6 months, willingly commit to the program or I’m going to leave him, as in a divorce. And I meant it.

It’s clear enough for me not to be drowned in his game, he might think he wins this time, but I’ve settled my decision. There won’t be any ‘next time’ for him next time.

 

 

 

Not Just Another Birthday

I hate birthdays. It reminds me of how older I am again in age, but no so much in person. Specially to this one yet another birthday, I feel even worse. Why should we aged anyway? Supposedly I’ve becoming more to even reach another additional numbers to my years. But I haven’t. A week ago I even lost more. And that’s my beloved dog. My soul, my sanity, my unconditional love, my therapeutic healer, gone forever.

One thing for sure I know to this birthday is that I’ve becoming even bitter. Human fails me, but yet again, I fail me. I even failed my dog.

I failed on my dog since I no longer fight for him, and he knew that. Since we move in to our new home I’ve becoming distant. I confide to this new surrounding, which separate us further, and as life becomes busier I forgot. I forgot that he needs my love, my affection, my touch, my time. All in those 7 months I failed him, abandoning him, that’s why God took him away so suddenly. Cos I don’t deserve him anymore. I only gave him so little while he gave me everything. A foolish, selfish human being that I am.

As with life, by him being gone, I give up. I no longer wanting to pretend to become a better person. Cos I’m not. Not progressing. Life had showed that continuously.

I still have my 2 other dogs and each day I got scared, scared that maybe today, tomorrow, a week later, sooner or on a very unexpected time they’ll be gone too. Because of me too. A failed caretaker.

So what’s with this aging anyway? Birthday? Yep, it’s even sucker than the last time. My husband chose to go to his-not so close-friend’s birthday rather than to celebrate mine. And nobody said a happy birthday to me either. But then again, as my husband said “what to celebrate? you already old anyway..” it’s true. Nobody would care about a person so selfish like I am anyway. I don’t care about anything, anyone, even myself, so why would anyone care?

It’s funny how I thought by being a positive me like I did a few years back would make my life better. It’s not. Well, to the people around me it is, even to my husband. He’s becoming a better a person. A good husband. But not me. I’m still me, a loser. Can’t get rid that off no matter how hard I deny that. Back again, reality proof so. The loser losing her beloved dog. Well, I guess this year, hit strike from my birthday, I’m gonna lose even more. Deep in my heart I know I will, so it’s best for me to be prepared. To lose some more.

Welcoming lose now, with the grief, the slit, the bitterness and the death to my soul. Bye me, this life is not for you.

 

The Journey In Finding Myself

I bet today is special. Well, to me it is, since I got this “aha!” moment after so long that I thought that I started to decay.

I mean really, I kinda back to losing myself again. I was so busy feeling busy, doing important things un-importantly (but busy busy) since I already feel like it’s just a daily routine which I no longer need to put my brain and thoughts to it anymore. All the waking up doing chores least be social everyday the same thing all over again, to the point I don’t necessary feel like looking up at the time or date or day anymore, since it’s all feel the same kind of stuffs. Anything new or out of ordinary, even social gatherings, with close friends or family, would feel suffocating since I knew it’ll be just temporary til I go back to my same ‘ol routine again, so I better not – if I may choose – moments, and the longing but knowing not being able to go back to the past – so better get myself together and carry on lonesome, but hey that’s life – puffed mindset. But not today.

This day, this hour, I somehow feel rejuvenated. I suddenly know how and why I felt that ultra-bored, how I’ve become so boring, and how boredom had been my thickest friend.

I wasn’t a people’s person back then, I wanted to, but I’m not. I don’t gives a shit about other people cos I, me, don’t even gives a shit about myself. I was a great pretender though, I could imitate anything and anyone, ace that then to even fooling myself thinking it was my character. But it wasn’t. Well, not really, since in one point or two there I was happy, ultra happy, that’s why now I often wanting to jump back to the past experiencing everything back, twice. But this is not why I suddenly feel like to write, this is not my aha moment, though this, about not a people’s person- imitating stuff, will be on my thoughts for next.

The not giving a shit about self is my major problem, and that’s my aha moment. Funny I just figured that one major thing out now that I’ve been alive for 13,054 days (yep I used a calculator, not a genius here, #sorrynotsorry).

I could feel that bored, almost decaying not caring about what’s going on around my life anymore is because my soul – that inner self had died, since I don’t gives a shit that hard to myself. I don’t care with me wanting to feel and look pretty anymore, don’t care whether it’s been too long since the last time I wash my hair (a week max I promise though) or that I in desperate needs to buy new clothes and girls stuffs, or even just go the F use that SPF lotion so my skin don’t burn this much (sigh!), or the thoughts of wanting to eat healthier food permanently (tried once for a few months, didn’t get what I want, so bye) or just as simple as go eat that f-in food your stomach already growl much – stuff.

All those that I thought faarr not important since it’s just little things – get yerself together – I can handle it – no biggies stuff.

Now this aha moment strike hard. I thought I started to go back to zombie mode again, feeling nothing – numbing everything. Almost thought, hey maybe I’m one of those sociopath ? or perhaps more psycho ? Where this heart ran ? How can’t I feel ? Is this sad ? Is this sad, or is it joy I feel cos I think it is but maybe not, I can’t be this melodrama and psycho all at once, no? Am I really laughing, I know my face is and those giggles, but heart, hey where’d you go?

Here’s the thing, I know I hate when other people is making promises they don’t intend to keep. Same goes for you, self. I won’t hurt you that way. We’ve made that oath. So I won’t promise you that I’ll take care of you more. I could only tell you that now I understand, I hear you. I know your needs, to be heard. And when you come back whispering to my ear, I’ll listen, and we’ll do something about it. We’ll talk, and you’ll see me actually doing something about it, for you. Cos you, self, is the most important thing first. If you’re gone, then I’d sure be forever tone deaf.

Dark Phase of the Moon

Right now is the lowest moment in my life. Maybe it’s just a phase, and I guess in life, it’s only natural. But it doesn’t change the fact that I feel devastated, and there’s nobody to blame, not even God, cos I do realize it’s a phase.
I just wish that this dark phase will soon be over. That it finally lifted, brighter. That all these tears, and heart shattered finally found it means. That the struggles would finally be worth it. That I have all it takes to finally progressing.
I can’t even put in words of how I feel, since the pain collide side by side with realization, though I still can’t say I’m already at acceptance. No, every second could torture, though the next, the tears are forgotten.
Every bumps, and ripped apart, and those silent screams exchanges too soon with enlightenment til I sometimes think I’m on denial.
I don’t even have the power to deny, as my energy had drained, and my brain could only limited to think of what’s next to do, since standing still had no longer be an option. It would be too costly to do so, while the struggle is real.
I wanted to ask why, and complain to God, which I had, for far too many. But still, the test is not done yet, I can feel it.
I never asked to be strong, well.. maybe I had recklessly and unintentionally did, but what did I know?
The more realization I’ve acknowledged, the more I know nothing. And in this nothingness now is where I stand, to learn to be able to at least find at ease…
Gosh.. wake me up from this dark road faster please.. I don’t want to loose hope, I don’t want to loose me… which it seems start to feel like it..

Labeling Bad Habits

When bad habits are too often played in rewind
We become too accustomed,
We then prone to give it a label

We are certainly sure that this is a broken character, of them certain human beings

When we sense them gonna do the exact same “un-acceptable” thing like always,
We hurriedly thought it’s better to be cautious,
Then we build walls as high to avert pain

We thought it’s only natural,
To build a certain defense mechanism,
For a self protection

But what happens if it turns out differently?
Those who you gave labels at,
Turns out only trying hard to do good,
Though with their limitations,
Not as perfect as you might could,
But it’s the best they could do at the moment.

I’ve been that Judge Dredd myself
Didn’t notice that this defense mechanism I thought only for a self protection, was turning me bitter
A sarcastic with a sharp tongue

I only see from my own perspective
When people don’t respond as I expect them to be,
I became furious, and mean

Whether it’s intentionally or not, I discredit others with intimidation
Thinking how come they can’t do what is easy for me to do,
And that is just plain shallow

Too easy to see ourselves as a victim,
Since life is like a movie, and we supposed to be the leading role
The innocence, who most possibly should face some combat with villains

Til at some point, which is unavoidably, I must watch how I actually IS the villain

So before you think you’re saint enough to point at other people’s face and knock them down with labels,
Have some good look at yourself

And then again, who are you to judge?