Not Just Another Birthday

I hate birthdays. It reminds me of how older I am again in age, but no so much in person. Specially to this one yet another birthday, I feel even worse. Why should we aged anyway? Supposedly I’ve becoming more to even reach another additional numbers to my years. But I haven’t. A week ago I even lost more. And that’s my beloved dog. My soul, my sanity, my unconditional love, my therapeutic healer, gone forever.

One thing for sure I know to this birthday is that I’ve becoming even bitter. Human fails me, but yet again, I fail me. I even failed my dog.

I failed on my dog since I no longer fight for him, and he knew that. Since we move in to our new home I’ve becoming distant. I confide to this new surrounding, which separate us further, and as life becomes busier I forgot. I forgot that he needs my love, my affection, my touch, my time. All in those 7 months I failed him, abandoning him, that’s why God took him away so suddenly. Cos I don’t deserve him anymore. I only gave him so little while he gave me everything. A foolish, selfish human being that I am.

As with life, by him being gone, I give up. I no longer wanting to pretend to become a better person. Cos I’m not. Not progressing. Life had showed that continuously.

I still have my 2 other dogs and each day I got scared, scared that maybe today, tomorrow, a week later, sooner or on a very unexpected time they’ll be gone too. Because of me too. A failed caretaker.

So what’s with this aging anyway? Birthday? Yep, it’s even sucker than the last time. My husband chose to go to his-not so close-friend’s birthday rather than to celebrate mine. And nobody said a happy birthday to me either. But then again, as my husband said “what to celebrate? you already old anyway..” it’s true. Nobody would care about a person so selfish like I am anyway. I don’t care about anything, anyone, even myself, so why would anyone care?

It’s funny how I thought by being a positive me like I did a few years back would make my life better. It’s not. Well, to the people around me it is, even to my husband. He’s becoming a better a person. A good husband. But not me. I’m still me, a loser. Can’t get rid that off no matter how hard I deny that. Back again, reality proof so. The loser losing her beloved dog. Well, I guess this year, hit strike from my birthday, I’m gonna lose even more. Deep in my heart I know I will, so it’s best for me to be prepared. To lose some more.

Welcoming lose now, with the grief, the slit, the bitterness and the death to my soul. Bye me, this life is not for you.

 

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The Journey In Finding Myself

I bet today is special. Well, to me it is, since I got this “aha!” moment after so long that I thought that I started to decay.

I mean really, I kinda back to losing myself again. I was so busy feeling busy, doing important things un-importantly (but busy busy) since I already feel like it’s just a daily routine which I no longer need to put my brain and thoughts to it anymore. All the waking up doing chores least be social everyday the same thing all over again, to the point I don’t necessary feel like looking up at the time or date or day anymore, since it’s all feel the same kind of stuffs. Anything new or out of ordinary, even social gatherings, with close friends or family, would feel suffocating since I knew it’ll be just temporary til I go back to my same ‘ol routine again, so I better not – if I may choose – moments, and the longing but knowing not being able to go back to the past – so better get myself together and carry on lonesome, but hey that’s life – puffed mindset. But not today.

This day, this hour, I somehow feel rejuvenated. I suddenly know how and why I felt that ultra-bored, how I’ve become so boring, and how boredom had been my thickest friend.

I wasn’t a people’s person back then, I wanted to, but I’m not. I don’t gives a shit about other people cos I, me, don’t even gives a shit about myself. I was a great pretender though, I could imitate anything and anyone, ace that then to even fooling myself thinking it was my character. But it wasn’t. Well, not really, since in one point or two there I was happy, ultra happy, that’s why now I often wanting to jump back to the past experiencing everything back, twice. But this is not why I suddenly feel like to write, this is not my aha moment, though this, about not a people’s person- imitating stuff, will be on my thoughts for next.

The not giving a shit about self is my major problem, and that’s my aha moment. Funny I just figured that one major thing out now that I’ve been alive for 13,054 days (yep I used a calculator, not a genius here, #sorrynotsorry).

I could feel that bored, almost decaying not caring about what’s going on around my life anymore is because my soul – that inner self had died, since I don’t gives a shit that hard to myself. I don’t care with me wanting to feel and look pretty anymore, don’t care whether it’s been too long since the last time I wash my hair (a week max I promise though) or that I in desperate needs to buy new clothes and girls stuffs, or even just go the F use that SPF lotion so my skin don’t burn this much (sigh!), or the thoughts of wanting to eat healthier food permanently (tried once for a few months, didn’t get what I want, so bye) or just as simple as go eat that f-in food your stomach already growl much – stuff.

All those that I thought faarr not important since it’s just little things – get yerself together – I can handle it – no biggies stuff.

Now this aha moment strike hard. I thought I started to go back to zombie mode again, feeling nothing – numbing everything. Almost thought, hey maybe I’m one of those sociopath ? or perhaps more psycho ? Where this heart ran ? How can’t I feel ? Is this sad ? Is this sad, or is it joy I feel cos I think it is but maybe not, I can’t be this melodrama and psycho all at once, no? Am I really laughing, I know my face is and those giggles, but heart, hey where’d you go?

Here’s the thing, I know I hate when other people is making promises they don’t intend to keep. Same goes for you, self. I won’t hurt you that way. We’ve made that oath. So I won’t promise you that I’ll take care of you more. I could only tell you that now I understand, I hear you. I know your needs, to be heard. And when you come back whispering to my ear, I’ll listen, and we’ll do something about it. We’ll talk, and you’ll see me actually doing something about it, for you. Cos you, self, is the most important thing first. If you’re gone, then I’d sure be forever tone deaf.

Dark Phase of the Moon

Right now is the lowest moment in my life. Maybe it’s just a phase, and I guess in life, it’s only natural. But it doesn’t change the fact that I feel devastated, and there’s nobody to blame, not even God, cos I do realize it’s a phase.
I just wish that this dark phase will soon be over. That it finally lifted, brighter. That all these tears, and heart shattered finally found it means. That the struggles would finally be worth it. That I have all it takes to finally progressing.
I can’t even put in words of how I feel, since the pain collide side by side with realization, though I still can’t say I’m already at acceptance. No, every second could torture, though the next, the tears are forgotten.
Every bumps, and ripped apart, and those silent screams exchanges too soon with enlightenment til I sometimes think I’m on denial.
I don’t even have the power to deny, as my energy had drained, and my brain could only limited to think of what’s next to do, since standing still had no longer be an option. It would be too costly to do so, while the struggle is real.
I wanted to ask why, and complain to God, which I had, for far too many. But still, the test is not done yet, I can feel it.
I never asked to be strong, well.. maybe I had recklessly and unintentionally did, but what did I know?
The more realization I’ve acknowledged, the more I know nothing. And in this nothingness now is where I stand, to learn to be able to at least find at ease…
Gosh.. wake me up from this dark road faster please.. I don’t want to loose hope, I don’t want to loose me… which it seems start to feel like it..

Labeling Bad Habits

When bad habits are too often played in rewind
We become too accustomed,
We then prone to give it a label

We are certainly sure that this is a broken character, of them certain human beings

When we sense them gonna do the exact same “un-acceptable” thing like always,
We hurriedly thought it’s better to be cautious,
Then we build walls as high to avert pain

We thought it’s only natural,
To build a certain defense mechanism,
For a self protection

But what happens if it turns out differently?
Those who you gave labels at,
Turns out only trying hard to do good,
Though with their limitations,
Not as perfect as you might could,
But it’s the best they could do at the moment.

I’ve been that Judge Dredd myself
Didn’t notice that this defense mechanism I thought only for a self protection, was turning me bitter
A sarcastic with a sharp tongue

I only see from my own perspective
When people don’t respond as I expect them to be,
I became furious, and mean

Whether it’s intentionally or not, I discredit others with intimidation
Thinking how come they can’t do what is easy for me to do,
And that is just plain shallow

Too easy to see ourselves as a victim,
Since life is like a movie, and we supposed to be the leading role
The innocence, who most possibly should face some combat with villains

Til at some point, which is unavoidably, I must watch how I actually IS the villain

So before you think you’re saint enough to point at other people’s face and knock them down with labels,
Have some good look at yourself

And then again, who are you to judge?

Accepting the Defeat

It’s a lovely day today.

The wind breeze kindly embracing the dim sun shinning light. 

All I hear is just, silence. No echo, no voices, not even my dog barking loud.

I turn up my music, still, no rhytm buzzing through me. I’m a deaf man.

It’s a lovely day to accept defeat.

I’m a sinner, I know I’ve lost. An egocentric caught in a naivette eye of a child, who suddenly wakes up.

I’ve waste my life, for nothing really. As if the war, the ambitions, the glory are just..vague camuflage. 

How I’ve come so far, just to sit back, and sees nothing.

No more questions, not even seeing eye to eye within myself no more. 

I accept, the defeat.

The Pursuit of Happiness

It’s Sunday today. I don’t know why but suddenly this epiphany knocks me out in the head. It’s about the pursuit of happiness. The thing that seems so simple to have but so hard in the process sometimes.

While I’m lounging doing nothing much, just watching my husband preparing me lunch and my cute white furball dog leaning his head on my palm excited to get a pet, a warm feeling blossoming in my chest.
This is perfect. I feel complete.

I know from society’s standard there’s something still missing. The picture would be more aggreeably perfect if we have kids lounging with us too or just messing around playing with their toys, but this is perfect. It is for me. It already is.

The picture I see from my eye sight, of my husband making me lunch, of my cute dog which loves us like we love it, of our small cozy home, of me lounging enjoying the view, and the warm uplifting feelings I get bursting from my chest, is the kind of picture imprinted well in my memory, my treasure, my kinda’ pursuit of happiness.. 🙂

(Throwback Sunday, Dec’14)

Expectation Vs. Hope

Life doesn’t always go as you expected, it won’t.

I know how us human could be devastated just to hear that notion. How could that be?
How could those words makes you feel as if you’re the most pessimist person in the world, that you’re just miserable, the way you see such a life with no hope?

Hmm…this is where I think I got it wrong.

Expectation is not the same with Hope.

Expectation = A strong belief that something will happen or be the case ; A belief that someone will or should achieve something ; One’s prospects of inheritance

Hope = A feeling of desire for a particular thing to happen ; A person or thing that may help or save someone ; Grounds for believing that something good may happen ; A feeling of trust

(taken from Oxford Dictionaries, link : http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/expectation and here : http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/hope

When I expect something, even for the smallest thing, more likely I will be disappointed. While hope to me is just proposing for something positive, and with a positive conscious. So the end result will definitely be different.

I know I’m somewhere in between those two state of mind. My mind can get ‘tricky’ considering the outcome.

So let me make myself clear. To make a clearer view, I have to note down all the implication, my ‘tree-of-mind’ which will lead to my action and reaction, prejudice or neutral :

For instance, I’m expecting my husband to treat me better.
Since I’m expecting = a belief that someone will or should achieve something (in this case = my husband), based on One’s prospects of inheritance (in this case = me, my point of view) then I’m the one who “predict” or “setting goals of achievements” to which set the values that is acceptable in my qualification list for the word “better”.
Hmm.. then it sounds like I be the “judge” to his value, almost the same like playing God here, don’t you think?

Then how if I say “I hope my husband to treat me better” ?
I hope = A feeling of desire for a particular thing to happen ; A person (my husband) or thing that may help or save someone (me) ; Grounds for believing that something good may happen ; A feeling of trust.
Whether I or my husband be the subject or the object mentioned above, both share the take-and-give notion which sounded more sincere and positive for both sides.

I like the second notion better, so I’ll be more careful in expressing my words and thoughts upon matters.

As a human being, all we can do is try and hope for the better outcome. So if we don’t say it right or set the right mind to it, it might as well be a misleading end result, don’t you think?